Separation of church and dumb

December 13, 2007

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp and I are on my porch having an afternoon cocktail when I spot Sean and Lucia Wheatley walking down the street. That’s not very odd, considering they live on my street. But what was odd was that they were coming my way instead of bothering Tina the Lesbian as they usually do.

“Oh shit… who are they coming for?” I say, looking over at Avonia.

“Hopefully you,” says Avonia. She’s never dealt directly with the Wheatleys before, but Tina’s told her all the stories about them and does not look forward to dealing with whatever has Sean and Lucia scared this week. Maybe it’s that new Golden Compass movie. Maybe it’s that shooting at that Denver MegaChurch. Maybe it’s because the mailman grew a beard. We never know until it’s too late.

“Hi,” Lucia Wheatley says to me. “Lovely day, isn’t it?”

“Sure is…” I suspiciously say.

“You know what would make this an even lovelier day for you?” says Sean Wheatley. “If you were free. Like us.”

*blink* *blink*

“Explain that last bit to me,” I say, sipping my Tom Collins.

“See, we heard you’re an atheist,” Lucia says. “And we also heard last week from Mitt Romney that freedom requires religion. So we were hoping to bring you into ours so that you could experience freedom.”

“Have you considered the possibility that Mitt Romney is talking out of his ass with that whole ‘freedom needs religion’ line?” I say.

“Not at all,” says Sean. “So, let’s talk about when you can attend one of our church services.”

“Um, sorry, but he’s already signed up to join the Wiccans,” Avonia says, trying to rescue me from the Wheatleys.

“Wicca doesn’t count as a religion,” says Lucia. “It doesn’t have Jesus anywhere in it.”

“It’s a pre-Christian religion,” Avonia says. “It’s what the Irish were worshiping before Christianity reached them.”

“No, we heard on The View that nothing came before Jesus,” says Sean. “And that sounds right to us.”

Avonia goes back to her Tom Collins, not wanting to continue dashing herself on the rocks of their ignorance.

“Religion and freedom are mutually exclusive things,” I say. “I myself am very free without a faith to answer to.”

“Not as free as we are,” says Lucia.

“If you’re so free, than why does every idiotic thing you hear on the news send you into a paranoid frenzy?” I ask. “Especially if it’s about gays and lesbians?”

“Um… we’re free to be afraid?” says Sean, unconvincingly.

“Right…” I say, prepared to end this conversation in one swift stroke. “Now if you’re not off my porch in the next ten seconds, I’m going to show you how free I really am by filling up a Super Soaker with my own semen and opening fire on you with my own baby batter.”

And so the Wheatleys bid me good day and go on their way to wherever nondescript Protestants of an indeterminable denomination go when they’re not being easily frightened by the world and bothering me and my friends about it.

“I might regret asking this,” says Avonia, “but how were you going to fill up that Super Soaker with your own spunk?”

“I keep a steady supply in my basement refrigerator,” I say. “Got about six half-gallon containers worth of my seed down there.”

“Why do you have that?” Avonia asks. “And why would you do that?”

“Because that’s what it means to be free,” I say, taking a slow thoughtful swig of my drink while staring off into the distance.

“Well, I’ll remember never to ask for a White Russian at your house,” says Avonia.

“And you’re free to do that,” I say. “Regardless of faith… or taste…”


Maybe you’re just like humor.blogs.com… she’s never satisfied… why do we scream at each other… this is what it sounds like when doves cry…


  1. have you got any other plans for those 6 half gallon containers?

  2. It takes a lot of dedication to fill up so many containers. I would hire you in a heartbeat, that is, if only I was in a position of authority to do so.

  3. Great Site! Learned something new! Please review me at http://www.geibview.blogspot.com

  4. how many gallons have you got now?

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