A date out of spite is still a date: Part 5

December 21, 2007

It’s been a full hour since Mikka and Samurai Cathy left on their date, and Ninja Vicki is still pissed off and moping. And now the jukebox is on its second loop of Peter Cetera/Chicago songs. So I’m on my cell phone, trying to find someone who can help me. I’m not looking for someone to cheer Ninja Vicki up and let us put something else on, I’m looking for someone who can whoop Ninja Vicki’s ass so the rest of us at the bar can salvage the rest of our lonely night.

“Are you out of your mind?” Avonia the Wiccan Pimp says to me over the phone. “What makes you think I’ll last two seconds against Ninja Vicki?”

“Can you cast some sort of spell on her or something?” I say.

“The question isn’t whether I can cast the spell, the question is whether I can cast the spell before Ninja Vicki buries a throwing star in my face,” says Avonia. “And I’m not about to take that gamble.”

So Avonia’s out. I think about calling Psycho Dave, but he’s busy down at the homeless shelter. He’s not volunteering, he’s just looking for cheap labor to install new insulation in his attic. This calls for Plan C… for cat.

Twenty minutes later, Bernie the Half-Cyborg cat comes stepping into the Bass-to-Bass and jumps up on the bar.

“You’re the meaning in my life…” Ninja Vicki sings to herself. She sounds pretty sauced. “You’re the inspiration…”

“Hey! What the shit are you doing?” Bernie says, walking up to get in Ninja Vicki’s face.

“Mikka’s dating…” Ninja Vicki says. “And even worse, he’s dating my worst enemy Samurai Cathy, and she’s only doing it just to spite me. But now I can’t kill her, and I feel alone, and I don’t know what to do.”

Bernie bops her nose with his front paw. “You can act like a man! What’s the matter with you?”

Ninja Vicki looks pissed off, but before she can grab her sword, Bernie’s got his laser cannon deployed from his hip and aimed at her head.

“Jesus-gang banging-Christ, look at yourself,” Bernie says. “What kind of ninja listens to Peter Cetera for an hour and then lets a robotic cat get the drop on her? What kind of ninja gets depressed when someone she doesn’t even like dates someone she absolutely hates? You are a god damn embarrassment to your ninja clan.”

“I don’t have a clan,” Ninja Vicki says. “I work alone. I live alone. God, I’m so alone.”

“And you’re going to continue being alone if you keep pulling crap like this,” says Bernie. “No one in this bar wants to feel your misery. Just because Samurai Cathy ruined your night, that doesn’t give you the right to ruin everyone else’s night.”

“You’re right…” Ninja Vicki sighs. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

“A lot,” Bernie says. “But at least you know you have a damn problem. Now you’re going to stop your Peter Cetera marathons, you’re going to stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you’re going to put aside your feud with Samurai Cathy and you’re going to feel happy and be supportive for Mikka. Understand?”

“Yeah…” Ninja Vicki says with a nod.

“Good.” Bernie jumps down off the bar and shoots the jukebox, making it explode in a shower of sparks and cutting off the second go-around of “If You Leave Me Now,” causing the remaining patrons of the bar to break into raucous applause.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home,” I say to Ninja Vicki.

“Um, I don’t think you’re all right to drive,” says Bernie. “How much have you had tonight?”

“Never ask a Navy man how much he’s had to drink!” I say. “Because it’s none of your God Damn Business!”

“You were never in the Navy,” says Bernie.

“Oh… then I had about eight kerosene martinis,” I say.

“Give me your keys,” says Bernie. “I’ll drive you all home.”


But humor-blogs.com will get you high tonight… and take you to your special island…


  1. When I’m home depressed and drinking M’s all “Wait… you’re not doing anything, you’re sitting down, you’re not sewing, YOUR LAP IS MINE!!!” There’s no motivating me to do anything… guess I need a Bernie.

    I enjoyed this storyline. I wanted to find out what happened next.

  2. I’d never of guessed Bernie to be the responsible one.

  3. Well, Bernie is married.

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