Love Finnish Style: Part 3

January 17, 2008

Bernie and I are defending Mikka’s decision not to introduce his girlfriend Samurai Cathy to his friends all at once. Samurai Cathy’s rival Ninja Vicki doesn’t seem to, or want to, buy that explanation.

“Introducing your significant other to your friends is a huge step,” I say.  “You just don’t rush into doing that.”

“And you just don’t throw all your friends at your girl at once,” says Bernie.  “Lord knows Marlie didn’t do that when we were dating.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Ninja Vicki scoffs. “He’s embarrassed by his friends and he knows it.”

“No I’m embarrassed by you,” Mikka pointedly says to Ninja Vicki. “If you want a piece of Samurai Cathy, you go to her apartment and get it. But stop trying to get to her through me, because -jumalauta! – I do not have the vitun patience for your little games, you Vittupää Persereikä Vuohenraiskaaja! Äitisi nai poroja!”

And Mikka storms out of the bar, leaving all of us, especially Ninja Vicki dumbfounded.

“What the fuck was that?” Ninja Vicki says. “Did he just get possessed by the damn devil?”

“Oh snap!” I say. “Mikka just bitched you the fuck out in Finnish. He only curses in Finnish when he’s really mad.”

“So what he did call her?” says Bernie. “I don’t have my translator program loaded.”

“Basically that she was a cunthead asshole goat-raper, and that her mother has sex with goats,” I say.

“Damn, you done fucked with the wrong skinny Finn,” says Anonymous Doug. “I think you’d better just back off, Vicki. That boy’s in love.”

“He’s not in love,” Ninja Vicki growled.

“He just cursed out a ninja without any fear of being decapitated or disemboweled,” says Bernie. “That’s love.”

The fact that Mikka, whom she has physically assaulted before, stood right in front of her and reamed her a new asshole finally dawned on her.

“Son of a bitch…” Ninja Vicki fumed. Usually Ninja Vicki would have delivered a vicious palm strike or kick, or buried her blade into someone’s chest while they were in the middle of saying their first insult. But Mikka rattled off at least four and walked away, alive and in possession of all his limbs and bodily organs.

“Are you all right?” I ask Ninja Vicki.

“God… what am I doing?” Ninja Vicki says, her elbows on the bar and her hands holding up her head, pushing back her hair. “What the hell am I doing?”

“Ruining guys’ night out, that’s what,” says Bernie. “Now hit the bricks.”

Ninja Vicki sighed and walked out the door. Now I know for sure there’s something wrong with Ninja Vicki. She never uses the door.

“We need to get our guys’ night out manly mojo back,” says Anonymous Doug. “Who wants to hit a strip club?”

“How about Bathsheba’s Gentlemen’s Club?” I say.

“No… the girl I’m banging is working there tonight,” says Anonymous Doug. “Let’s hit Settlers’ Titty Bar. If I know their schedule correctly, the stripper with the eyepatch and the hook for a hand is dancing tonight.”

We’re so there.


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  1. is there anything better than a stripping pirate

  2. ninja vicki’s got the hots for mikka.

    or maybe it’s samurai cathy.

    nope, it’s mikka.

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