You won’t violate my human dignity like he will

January 31, 2008

Everyone is happy that Mikka has a girlfriend. Well, except for Ninja Vicki, but that’s her problem. Anyway, we’re happy for Mikka not just because he hasn’t had a girlfriend in four years, but because his breakup with that girlfriend is an awful story… that I’ll tell to you right now.

Mikka had been dating a girl he met at a bar in Chin-Finn Town for about three weeks. It seemed to be going all right until they went to the Bisquotech, our local soup-themed dance club. It was there that she decided to break the news to him that she wanted to see other people. And to make matters worse, she pointed out to Mikka who that other person was for her.

“That’s Derek Perineum,” Mikka said to her.

“Yeah, I know,” she said.

“That’s Derek the Date-Rapist,” said Mikka.

“Yeah, I know,” she said.

“He’s date-raped like eight women,” Mikka said.

“Yeah, I know,” she said.

“I’m getting dumped for a date-rapist?” Mikka said.

“Pretty much, yeah,” she said. “Well, it’s been fun.”

That’s when she got up from the table and went over to Derek, who immediately handed her a drink with a roofie in it. We’re pretty sure it had a roofie in it because the police reports say they found her later that night naked and shivering in an alley with no idea how she even got there.
It took a good year for Mikka to move on from the fact that a woman would rather be with a known rapist than with him. We did a barroom survey once and found that this breakup story beats Tina the Lesbian’s story about how a girl she dated not only dumped her but stopped being gay all together. And we haven’t found a more ego-damaging story since.

So this is why we’re happy for Mikka, and why we’re super glad Derek the Date-Rapist finally went to jail in 2006 and was chemically castrated by the state.


Humor-blogs.com does not practice santeria… they ain’t got no crystal ball…


  1. I’m glad when stories have a happy ending… as happy as a chemical castration can be.

    The Blogger formerly known as Pope Terry.

  2. My dad dumped my mom for a dude. The ultimate slap in the face. In my opinion, worse than a date rapist. At least the rapist has the bad boy allure, which makes me understand the situation.

    • That’s why women get raped in first place, by going for the bad boy.

      It makes one assume that more women would rather have sex with Roman Polanski instead of Jon Stewart.

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