If you’re not spending your money on useless shit, you’re not an American

February 4, 2008

I had a bit of a cold this weekend, so I did the world a favor and stayed in my house instead of spreading my germs to others.

So as I sat on my couch, wrapped in a blanket and drinking copious amount of tea, I get a phone call.

“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be over at Bernie’s for the Super Bowl?” says the voice on the phone. It’s Jackal, the NSA agent who taps my phone.

“I’m not going,” I say. “I’ve got a cold and I don’t want people to catch it and get pissed at me.”

“But you’re still watching the Super Bowl, right?” Jackal asks.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Oh, good,” Jackal says, relieved.

“Why’s that good?” I ask.

“Because Americans who don’t watch the Super Bowl are suspected terrorists,” says Jackal.

“You’re going to have to explain that one to me,” I say.

“Terrorists have no use for Super Bowl Sunday,” says Jackal. “People spend mucho money to throw parties for it. It’s the most wagered on sporting event of the year. Companies spend millions just to advertise for 30 seconds on it. And for someone not to take part in any of that, well, that’s just un-American. And that’s who we’re hunting for.”

“What about people who don’t like football?” I ask.

“They watch for the commercials, like good little consumers,” says Jackal.

“Because Americans are not defined by what they create, but what they consume,” I say, nodding. “So… do you find that you’re spending a lot of time monitoring the phone calls and activities of minimalists and just plain frugal people?”

“Indeed, we do,” says Jackal. “Because minimalists are perfect suicide bombers. They don’t have much to lose if they blow themselves up.”

“Do minimalists even have phones?” I ask.

“For the most part, no,” says Jackal. “And that’s what makes them even more dangerous.”

I excuse myself from the conversation, telling Jackal that the first batch of Super Bowl Commercials were starting and I had to do my duty as an American and watch them. For freedom.


But for Fran Tarkenton and Humor-blogs.com there would be another day…



  1. My NSA agent always wants to talk dirty.
    About dirty bombs, that is! (Insert Seinfeld punch line funky base music)

  2. For freedom… just like braveheart, without the antisemitism.

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