Tag Larkin Always Wins

February 8, 2008

Tag Larkin always wins.

When Tag Larkin goes to St. Mortimer Ichabod Marker Bingo Hall, Tag Larkin brings his own cards.  They’re blank and he writes in his own numbers.  Sure, the church volunteers and the priest try to dissuade him from using them, and then try to make him leave.  But Tag Larkin doesn’t listen to them.  Tag Larkin is too busy counting his bingo prize money.

Tag Larkin always wins.

If you best Tag Larkin in a best-of-three set game of tennis, he’ll make you play best-of-five.  If you best him again, he’ll make you go best-of-seven.  One time Tag Larkin made his opponent stay on the court for a best-of-forty-one, and then the opponent collapsed from heat stroke.  Not that Tag Larkin minded though because…

Tag Larkin always wins.

You may remember that Tag Larkin had a feud against Tagg Romney, one of presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s sons (for there can be only one Tag!).  But Mitt Romney just dropped out of the presidential race, screwing Tagg not only out of getting a posh job but most of his future inheritance because Mitt paid for most of his failed campaign with the Romney family fortune.  Tag Larkin thinks he had something directly to do with all this, so Tag Larkin has been repeatedly calling Tagg Romney’s cellphone and leaving him ugly gloating voicemail messages. Or at least he thinks it’s Tagg Romney’s cellphone.  For all we know he’s calling the local maternity shop.  But one thing remains abundantly clear…

Tag Larkin always wins, because Tag Larkin has no concept of losing.  Or time.  Or acceptable public behavior.


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  1. I’m scared of Tag Larkin. I hope he never turns up at the gimcrack

  2. Tag Larkin is my hero… heat stroke is for losers

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