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Her uterus can bench 320

March 6, 2008

I’m spending today standing out on the street corner with Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, telling her inappropriate stories.

“So this Argentinian girl was 14 when she had her first kid?” says Avonia.

“That’s right,” I say.

“And then she had triplets at 15?” says Avonia.

“Correct.”

“And then she has another set of triplets at 16?” says Avonia, barely believing it.

“Making it a set of seven,” I say.  “She did in three years what it took my evil bizarro doppleganger to do in seven.”

“Seven babies in three years…” Avonia says, not looking very well.  “As nurturing and life-affirming as I am, just hearing that makes my plumbing hurt.”

“You know what this means?” I say.  “It means at age 17 this woman has the world’s strongest uterus.”

“I think the women who have septuplets would argue with you about that,” says Avonia.

“No, they don’t have any more kids after those seven pop out,” I say.  “But this girl cranked out one, and then right back to being pregnant, cranked out three in one shot, then went right back to being pregnant and cranked out yet another three in one shot.  That is a hardcore uterine workout.  And she’s only 17.  She’s got plenty of fertile years ahead of her, and I don’t think Argentina is a place that has a lot of easily-available contraception.”

“So what can this woman do with her world’s strongest uterus?” asks Avonia.

I shrug my shoulders.  “I don’t know.  Fuck Superman?  Maybe use it to crush things for money?”

“I don’t think that’s how a uterus works,” says Avonia.

“Well, maybe her vagina is just as jacked as her uterus,” I say.  “Maybe she’s practices by closing one of those hand grip-strengtheners inside herself.  She could probably rip off a guy’s dick with one good kegel flex.”

Avonia pats me on the shoulder.  “You know, it’s always good to have my beliefs about why you’re not dating anyone not only confirmed but reinforced.”

I’m not sure how to take that.

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5 comments

  1. “Fuck Superman” Ha HA Ha! That has been the age old question!
    My husband said, “after 7 kids it’d be like throwing a hot dog down a long hallway.”


  2. Ha! Ha! Ha! You could probably drive a truck down that corridor. ;-)


  3. Not only is she uber-fertile, I bet she’s got the smug satisfaction of being multi-orgasmic, too.


  4. hahaha… this post reminds me of a Anatomy of Hell by catherine breillat (the only one of her films I didn’t like).

    there’s a scene where a man inserts the handle of a pick axe or a shovel or some other large garden implement, from the rear, into the vagina of a woman sleeping on her side. the tool stays at an upright angle and she doesn’t wake up!!!!!


  5. Do you think that if more fifteen and sixteen year old girls were sexually promiscuous, there’d be more triplets born?

    Maybe it’s like how ppl nowadays die of cancer, whereas in the olden days they never lived long enough to get cancer.

    So maybe now girls are getting pregnant earlier, and thus revealing things that we wouldn’t normally see.

    Of course, in the olden days, plenty of girls had sexual intercoursings when they were only fourteen, and younger, and they didn’t have themselves triplets.

    But maybe something’s changed.

    Maybe it’s all the hormones they inject into chickens. Or all the pesticides they spray on them Argentinian coffee plantations, a-getting into the biosphere, and ending up in breast milk and… ovaries.

    I think this raises more questions than just the condition of her pelvic floor muscles.

    Someone needs to organise a team of specialists and volunteers to see what happens when you impregnate a large sample of Argentina’s population of fourteen year old girls.

    I understand a whole bunch of Nazis fled to Argentina after the Unpleasantness. This sounds like the sort of thing Nazis would be up for. What with their ruthless experimentation on children in the name of science and all.

    What we need to find is a whole bunch of fourteen and fifteen year old great-grandchildren of refugee Nazis to go around impregnating young teenage girls, to see if they have triplets.

    And some way of getting a grant to fund that, of course.



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