John Waters’ Rainbow Six

March 21, 2008

Tina the Lesbian pulls into her driveway after a hard day at whatever job lesbians have. And that’s when our local frightened-by-everything couple Sean and Lucia Wheatley appear from their hiding spot behind her bushes.

“What the hell are you doing?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Sorry for doing this,” says Sean Wheatley. “But for some reason you wouldn’t answer your door.”

“We would ring the door bell for a half hour with no response,” says Lucia Wheatley.

“Yes, for reasons that are all too apparent at this moment,” groans Tina the Lesbian. “So what’s up your asses this time? Was there a re-run of Will and Grace that scared you?”

“No, we just heard about that speech about the gays by Oklahoma State Senator Sally Kern,” says Sean Wheatley.

“Oh for the love of Zod!” says Tina the Lesbian, familiar with the Senator’s awful speech. “Homosexuals are not a bigger threat than terrorism or Islam, no matter what some dumb-shit-ass in Oklahoma says.”

“Duh, we know that,” says Lucia. “We’re worried about the part she said about gays infiltrating city councils across America, like in Pittsburgh and Eureka Springs.”

“You’re not running for office anytime soon, are you?” says Sean.

Tina the Lesbian rubs the bridge of her nose and shakes her head. “No, I’m not. We’re not infiltrating anything. And furthermore, gays are allowed to run for political office just like straight people can.”

“But if gays get into government, that would mean our country is embracing homosexuality,” says Lucia.  “And Senator Kern informed us that no society that has embraced homosexuality has ever lasted more than a few decades.”

“Can you even name me a country that has disappeared from embracing homosexuality?” says Tina the Lesbian.

Sean and Lucia pause to ponder that question.

“Um… Greece?” says Sean Wheatley.

“No, there’s still a Greece,” says Lucia Wheatley.  “Remember we saw that movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding?”

“Right, right,” says Sean.  “Oooh, I know.  The Soviet Union.”

“I don’t recall the Soviet Union being accommodating to homosexuals,” says Tina.

“Yeah, but they were communists,” says Lucia.  “And that’s like being economically gay.”

“Communists indoctrinate people, gays indoctrinate people…” says Sean.  “The connections are there, Tina.”

“If that is indeed your real name, comrade,” says Lucia, suspiciously.

It’s at this point where Tina gives up trying to keep up with the Wheatley’s.  This involves her running into her house, locking the door, turning out all her lights, and hiding in her bathroom until the Wheatleys get off her property.  This time it took the Wheatleys a full hour before they got bored and went home to write to the members of our City Council to ask if they’re gay/communist.


Don’t turn around, uh oh… Der Humor-blogs.com‘s in town, uh oh…


  1. Nice post.
    ..and don’t think for a second, I’d miss the Falco reference! brilliant.

  2. Look, Tina, have you forgotten? The gay agenda is this. Infiltrate something, and then don’t take it over. Infiltrate it, and act like a good, sensible citizen. Contribute hard work and common sense. Make a positive difference, just like a straight person would.

    Pretty soon, normal people will begin to think that gays are OK. That’s just what we WANT them to think, isn’t it? Fiendishly clever evil plan, don’t you agree?

    Comerade Headbang

  3. @Damon: It’s not Falco. The song lyrics are from Der Kommissar by After the Fire

    @Headbang: Don’t let the Wheatleys get hold of that information. They’ll never leave you alone then.

  4. I sae the Ellen show where she tried to call the senator. could hardly believe that speech – wow!

    off to watch reruns of will and grace

  5. Economically gay! SNORT!

    I Have a couple of gay socialist friends I’m going to share that with! I’m still laughing!

    Great Post.

  6. Thats the best description of communism I’ve ever heard.

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