Unwelcomed Nomenclature

May 15, 2008

It’s another round of Renal Failure’s Naming Babies That Aren’t Ours. This time it’s our friend over at Wicca201 who has a baby on the way. She’s not due till August, but we figure there’s a better chance of the names getting used if we get them in now.

Now it’s been confirmed that she’s having a daughter so we don’t have to come up with boys’ names. Also her last name starts with a “T” so no names beginning with that letter will be accepted because alliteration opens the door to harsh ridicule in school. And also I’ve decreed no repeating names from the last time we suggested names, because that’s lazy.

This, however, does not stop Tag Larkin from suggesting that the wee lass be named Tag Larkin.

“Petra’s a good Finnish girl’s name,” says Mikka. Then I inform him that the father is German, not Finnish. I also point out the father of this child owns an XBox360. “Oh, then call the kid Halo.”

Dethklok,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who thinks naming children after metal bands is a good idea. “Or Gwar. Can Gwar at least be the middle name, because that will give that kid instant metal cred, and metal cred is hard to come by these days.”

“Well, if I were having a daughter I’d go with Fiona or Wynter,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “But pimps don’t get maternity leave, and the goddess tends to ignore my fertility offerings.”

“How about… uh… Peppermint and… who was the one with the fire bush… oh yeah, Sinnamyn,” says Anonymous Doug, recalling the names of the two strippers who gave him lap dances last weekend. I’m pretty sure my friend does not want a stripper pole as a baby shower gift.

“Lady Snowblood,” says Samurai Cathy. Well, it certainly would keep the maladjusted kids at school away from her. When pressed for a second suggestion, Cathy just shrugs and says “Zatoichi?”

“I’d like to see a girl named Katana,” says Ninja Vicki, holding up her katana blade. “That would be sweet.”

When asked for a second suggestion, she thinks about it for a moment, then remembers she’s got her iPod earbud in her ear when “Glory of Love” comes on. “How about Cetera? That would be an awesome first name.”

“Bailey s’n Jamesyn…” Marlie says. I’m not sure if she’s suggesting names or placing her drink order, and she was unavailable for clarification because she then proceeded to pass out. And while our friend at Wicca201 liked Marlie’s previous suggestion of Teagan, it won’t work here because of our alliteration rule.

Tina the Lesbian struggles for ideas until I tell her that the child’s father is a big Star Trek geek. “Oh, in that case either Jadzia Dax or Captain Janeway.”

And I suggest either Morrigan, the Celtic goddess of war and fate, or Nemesis, the Greek goddess of divine retribution. I’m leaning toward Nemesis because then the child can refer to the movie “Snatch” when asked about her name: “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me.” Now tell me that wouldn’t sound absolutely adorable coming from a five-year-old girl’s mouth.




  1. I like ‘Bethany’. No particular reason, i just do.

    Or ‘Cairo’. That’s always nice on a girl.

    But get her to avoid the name ‘Melina’, which was popular a while back because it sounds nice to non-medical ppl, and apparently means ‘honey’ in Greek. The problem, as you would know, Renal, is that it sounds exactly like the medical term for the condition of having blood in your faeces.

  2. In Brazil, until some time ago, people could name their kids anything they wanted! So there you can find a soccer player named “Creedence Clearwater” or triplets named Xerox, Photocopy and Autenticated Photocopy…

  3. i need to rename my adult children. a stripper name for The Boy and something medical for The Girl. Or perhaps “nemesis”… i really liked that one!

  4. I am partial to Cetera.

  5. All I can say is wow. This is why the preacher’s son is going to be the godfather, even though he’s a loser who is missing most of the last hurrah. Morrigan is lovely but would cause a family ruckus.

  6. I’m leaning towards a medical name…. how about Candida?

    failing that I’ll second Zatoichi

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