Thematically But Not Mathematically EliminatedMay 20, 2008
We have a softball league in town, and each team is sponsored by a local business. Tina the Lesbian’s team is sponsored by the local lesbian bar ClamLappers. And surprisingly there are people who will play for a team sponsored by Nate Tanner is a Convicted Sex Offender’s Ice Cream Shoppe.
But sadly, the team sponsored by The Adultatorium does rather poorly in this league. Maybe it’s all the porn-watching before games and the inevitable pre-game wank (hey, no sex before games, says Mickey from the Rocky movies, it weakens the knees), but in any case The Adultatorium Softball Club is in last place in the league. By a lot.
“Hey man, maybe your team shouldn’t play anymore,” says John Chowder. “I mean, you’re out of playoff contention and it’s only May.”
“No, we can still get in,” says Todd Rigid. “If we win 15 out of the last 16 games, and Brimstone’s Gothic Nightmare Boutique loses half of their remaining games and OverCompensator’s Gun Shop loses twelve straight…”
“Yeah, and that’s highly unlikely,” says John Chowder. “Look, even the local paper says it’s over for you. Softball writer Stain Gritcolon wrote a column about how done you are.”
“Who is he to decide that?” says Todd Rigid. “Just because he has a newspaper column? And a blog? And a show on Public Access TV? I say we decide these things on the field, not in the media.”
“Listen, it’s over,” says John Chowder. “You need to drop out. For the good of the league. It’s getting embarrassing.”
“But we like softball,” says Todd Rigid. “Sure, my team’s not good at it. But a lot of people suck at sex and they still do it.”
“Yes, but they don’t have sex in an attempt to win the Peter Tomarkin Memorial Trophy And Punch Bowl,” says John Chowder. “You’re tearing the softball league apart.”
Todd Rigid gets the notion that something isn’t quite right with John Chowder’s request, so he has his in-house Dildo Expert Sorcha Silviera do some investigating. Turns out that when Team BisquoTech and the Adultatorium are scheduled to play each other in two weeks all of Team BisquoTech will be out of town for some sort of soup convention, and they’ve already used their one rescheduling. That means they would have to forfeit the game to the Adultatorium, and that would hurt because Team BisquoTech is in a vicious race for First Place with the squad from ClamLappers.
John Chowder is tricksy, but then again you have to be tricksy to have a successful soup-based dance club.