Kimurorial Day

May 26, 2008

You need to be careful which Memorial Day barbecue you attend. Especially if it’s Critical Nash’s house.

See, Critical Nash is our local Ultimate Fighter, and he throws a hell of a party at his house.  Except there is a price for admission.  And it’s not a six-pack of lager or a casserole or a jar of salsa.

At any point in the party, Critical Nash can sneak up on you and put you in a submission hold.  Only once though.

So you could be standing there having a beer and discussing the newest Fallout Boy album, and then the next thing you know Critical Nash has you in a rear naked choke.  And if you don’t know to tap out, you will pass out in about five seconds.  But since you were discussing the newest Fallout Boy album, you kind of deserved it.

Sometimes Critical Nash will offer you a cheeseburger and then when you reach for it he’ll lock your arm in a Kimura.  And even though you’ll scream as he torques your arm behind your back, he will eventually let you go and he’ll still give you that burger.  And it is a tasty cheeseburger.  It’s got pepperjack cheese.

And don’t park yourself on a lounge chair, because that just opens you up for Critical Nash to lock in a knee bar or an Achilles lock.  But when you spill your beer from flailing around, he’ll get you another one.

If I get invited this year, I’m bringing Ninja Vicki.  No… maybe not.  Critical Nash would go for an armbar on her and she’d rip his throat out.  Maybe I’d bring Samurai Cathy.  She’d probably just dislocate his elbow or shoulder.




  1. god dam it, you beat me to the Fall out boy joke…

  2. Wha? Critical Nash? How come I’ve never heard of him before? He’s not one of da playas

    • Eh, he didn’t catch on. Sometimes stuff just doesn’t work out here at the Failure, so we do what pro wrestling does and just forget it ever happened.

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