Terrorist FistingsJune 16, 2008
Tina the Lesbian has started to get used to her neighbors Sean and Lucia Wheatley coming over to bother her after seeing something on the news or the Internets Tubes that frightened their little worlds. So much in fact that she’s starting to preempt their meltdowns before the melting starts.
Case in point, last week Tina heard about the anchor on Fox News casting her hat into the ring of the eternal Stupidest Fucking Thing Ever Said contest by referring to Barack Obama’s sharing of what we call in my hood “respect knuckles” as a “terrorist fist-jab.” So as soon as she got home from wherever it is that lesbians work she went right over to the Wheatley’s house to defuse the ticking time bombs of fear that are Sean and Lucia Wheatley.
“It’s not a terrorist fist-jab, it’s respect knuckles,” Tina says as soon as Lucia Wheatley opens the door.
“Oh, good,” says Lucia. “We were planning to pop on over to your place after dinner to talk to you about that. Whew, that’s a load off our minds.”
“Splendid, so now you don’t have to come over,” says Tina.
“Well, no, we still have the little matter of toaster ovens,” says Lucia.
“What about toaster ovens?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“I heard something that toaster ovens are a symptom of lesbianism,” says Lucia. “Or that if you either convert or are converted to lesbianism you get a toaster oven. What’s the story on that? Because our toaster just broke and Sean and I were considering getting a toaster oven, but we don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me.”
And thus Tina learns that you cannot preempt stupid, because stupid never sleeps.