If the roadside bombs didn’t get you, Morrissey will

June 19, 2008

So we hear about how US military suicides are at record highs, and we get to thinking about the mental health of our local Iraq war veteran Jeff Malton.

We’re not concerned about his mental health, mind you, because Jeff Malton is a fucking asshole and no one likes him. We’re disappointed that he hasn’t killed himself.

We’ve tried to put the idea in his head. Telling him “Man, if I lost my crotch in the war like you did, I’d kill myself.” But he’s not getting the hint.

We’ve given him the most depressing music we know, Morrissey, but they’re not doing the trick either.

Then we heard about how soldiers with Post-Traumatic Street Disorder were living near firing ranges and the sound of gunfire was triggering anxiety attacks in them. And while Jeff Malton doesn’t live near a firing range, we do have Mikka’s XBox 360 and his assortment of first-person shooter games.

So we’ve been playing Halo and Call of Duty and other gun-centric games at full volume right next door to Jeff Malton for a week, and we haven’t seen one freakout or breakdown or anything else that would denote that it’s doing anything to inch him closer to taking his own life.

But at least budget cuts at the VA Hospital will prevent him from getting the mental health he would need to stave off the mental problems that lead to suicide, should he ever get to that point. Way to go government!




  1. Get him a copy of “Wii Fit: IED Avoidance Edition”.

  2. I’m glad to see you doing your bit for the armed forces.

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