What good is the Second Amendment if I can’t kill people?

June 30, 2008

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp has non-pagan relatives that she keeps in touch with. One of them is her cousin Richard.

The other day Avonia got a sad phone call from Richard, saying that his wife was leaving him and she was taking the kids. Well, that wasn’t quite what he was mainly upset about.

“Richard really liked guns,” Avonia says to me as we hang out on the street corner. “And he had quite a collection of firearms in the house just in case he had to defend his family against a home invasion.”

“So, did his wife take the guns with her too?” I say.

“No, but now he doesn’t have a family to protect with his guns,” says Avonia. “Now he’s just some single guy with an arsenal. And he thinks that makes him look like a nutjob.”

And Richard has a point. When you’re just one person and you own like six or more guns, people are going to think you’re planning something. Something bad.

“I know this sounds really wrong,” says Avonia, “but I honestly think Richard is disappointed that he never got to use his guns to save his family from a home invasion.”

That reminds me of a funny line in the British movie Whoops Apocalypse! where Peter Cook as the batty Prime Minister says “we of the Conservative government think that it’s appalling to spend billions on nuclear weapons if they’re not going to be used.” But that’s neither here nor there.

“Was Richard also preparing for the day when the government would show up on his lawn?” I ask.

“No, he knows full well no one ever beats the government in a stand-off,” says Avonia. “But home invasions had him really spooked for some reason.”

“Well, someone could still break into his house while he’s home,” I say. “That could still happen.”

“True, but without a family to defend it just won’t be as satisfying for him,” says Avonia. “He always liked to say he owned guns to protect himself and his property and his family. Over and over, that’s what he always said on the topic of guns. Now he’s got no family to protect. It’s like he lost a limb, like a leg.”

“Hope it’s not his shooting leg,” I say.

Perhaps one day Richard will marry again and raise a new family that he can devote to protecting from home invasions with his arsenal. Until then, he’ll just have to shoot people for his sole benefit.




  1. ‘He always liked to say he owned guns to protect himself and his property and his family’

    I like how he put property first over his family, its always easier to find a new wife than a good flat screen tv.

  2. Poor Richard

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