We’re like the Daft Punk of tortureJuly 9, 2008
Psycho Dave is on the record as being against our CIA secret prisons in Europe on the principle that it’s taking away much-needed employment opportunities from decent hard-working people in America who would jump at the opportunity to slap electrodes on detainee genitals.
Now Psycho Dave is standing in my kitchen all pissed off because he just heard that our enhanced interrogation tactics were just things that Communist China used on American troops back in the Korean War.
“If my country’s going to torture people, I want those methods to read ‘Made in the USA’ on them,” says Psycho Dave.
“Well torturing people has been around way longer than America has,” I say. “It’s kind of hard to find new ways of doing that considering the rest of the world has a 100,000 year head start on us.”
“We put a god damn man on the moon and we can’t find new original made-in-America ways to torture people?” says Psycho Dave. “Even the whole playing annoying music really loud torture was lifted from the British, and they probably lifted it from someone else.”
“I guess there’s just no new frontiers in torture to explore,” I say. “We’re stuck remixing techniques other cultures had done for centuries using more modern technology.”
“Unacceptable!” says Psycho Dave. “This is not the America I grew up in. The America I grew up in didn’t shrink away from such challenges. The America I grew up in didn’t say ‘eh, that’s good enough’ when it came to anything.”
“Yeah, and the America I grew up in didn’t make naked man pyramids either,” I say.
And so Psycho Dave and I agree that we need to invest more money into our science and engineering people so that they can develop the tools and methods that will have us violating human rights in an original manner through this century. Or, failing that, we’ll just outsource it to India.