Samurai Cathy vs. Anonymous DougJuly 22, 2008
Anonymous Doug and I are having some after-work drinks down at the Bass-to-Bass. Well, Anonymous Doug is having some after-work drinks. I don’t have a job. So I’m having some breakfast cocktails because I woke up at 4pm today after staying up all night determining whether a donkey punch could kill someone. Answer: it can.
So we’re into our fourth round of gin and hair tonics when Mikka and Samurai Cathy walk in. Mikka sees Anonymous Doug and gets one of those “oh shit” looks on his face. The moment he had forgotten to dread had finally come to pass: he would have to introduce his girlfriend to Anonymous Doug.
“So… this is the samurai broad with the nice rack you’ve been dating,” says Anonymous Doug, much to Mikka’s consternation.
“Have we met before?” Samurai Cathy says. “I have this strange feeling…”
“I get that a lot,” says Anonymous Doug. “So how long have you and Mikka been dating?”
“Seven months now,” says Samurai Cathy.
“So that means…” Anonymous Doug does some math on a cocktail napkin, “…you’ve been banging for at least six months.”
“No… we haven’t,” Samurai Cathy says, taken off-guard by the forwardness of Anonymous Doug. “How did you come up with that number?”
“Anonymous math,” says Anonymous Doug. “Now, why aren’t you banging Mikka?”
Mikka crawls under the bar to hide. Samurai Cathy, however, seems to be contemplating the question.
“Well, that’s something to think about, ain’t it,” says Samurai Cathy, contemplatively. “I mean, we’re a good couple. We enjoy each other’s company. We have a deep affection for each other, and have expressed it on numerous occasions.”
“So… that’s like, what? Oral?” says Anonymous Doug.
“It’s not like we don’t find each other physically attractive,” Samurai Cathy continues. “But I guess, as a samurai, I have a lot of issues with intimacy. And I’ve never been comfortable with being naked. Topless I’m fine with, but I think my ass looks misshapened. And there’s that shuriken scar. Also there’s a whole lot of vulnerability issues that are just endemic to always being prepared to enter into glorious life-or-death battle.”
“Huh?” Anonymous Doug says.
“Huh?” Mikka says, poking his head up.
“It may also be because I’m afraid that it will change our relationship in a bad way,” Samurai Cathy says, rambling right along. “I’ve had a few bad experiences, and maybe I equate sex with those. But that’s not Mikka’s fault. And being with him has been such a good thing in my life. You know what? Yes! Yes I think it’s time for me to take that step. I think it’s time for Mikka and I to have sex.”
“Really?” Mikka says, standing up. “Sweet. You want to go now?”
“Sure.” And Mikka and Samurai Cathy left the bar.
“What the hell just happened?” I say.
“A little Anonymous Doug magic,” says Anonymous Doug. “Now let’s go pick up some recent high school graduates.”