Wanted: Gallery of Rogues

July 23, 2008

Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic went out to see the new Batman movie this week. And while they loved The Dark Knight, it left them with a peculiar and personal feeling of emptiness. And they popped on over to my rooftop to talk to me about it.

“The thing that sets Batman apart over all the other superheroes is that he’s got a really awesome villain to oppose him,” says Mercury Shadow. “I can’t think of anyone who’s a better antagonist than the Joker.”

“I wish I had someone who hated me as much as the Joker hates Batman,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Especially Heath Ledger’s version of the Joker.”

“Yeah, but the Joker is completely psychotic and kills a lot of people,” I say.

“There’s always problems in the hero/villain relationship,” says Mercury Shadow. “But a hero is really only as good as the villains they defeat.”

“I loved the Iron Man movie, except for the fact that villain kind of fell flat,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Same with the Incredible Hulk. Superman’s lucky to have Lex Luthor to match wits against, otherwise he’d be less impressive.”

“So you guys are looking for your own version of the Joker or Lex Luthor to fight against?” I say.

“That’s why we’re not household names yet,” says Mercury Shadow. “We don’t have any wins over a criminal mastermind or a psychotic nihilist who threatens the city with his mad murderous schemes.”

ChiroRaptor’s not an A-list villain,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I need someone who can obsess over me and make me obsess over them.”

“Well, they’d have to be able to walk to be your arch-nemesis,” I say to Crimson Paraplegic. “And they’d really have to hate the handicapped.”

“There was The Stairmaster,” says Mercury Shadow. “His thing was that he could conjure stairs to replace handicapped ramps.”

“What happened to him?” I ask.

“I broke his spine and now he’s trying to learn how to conjure wheelchair-accessible ramps,” says Crimson Paraplegic.

“Wasn’t there a villain who specialized in euthanizing terminally ill people in hospitals?” asks Mercury Shadow.

“No, you might be thinking of Ethnic Cleanser, the Balkan Menace, and he only killed Albanians,” says Crimson Paraplegic.

“Well, I hang out with some unsavory people,” I say. “Maybe one of them can hook you guys up with some quality super villains.”

“Sweet,” says Mercury Shadow. “Because once you get a really cool villain, then you can get yourself an entire rogues gallery.”

“And in superhero language, a rogues gallery equals job security,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “These are economic hard times after all.

Maybe I can convince Avonia the Wiccan Pimp to try and resurrect Heath Ledger into some sort of zombie Joker for Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic to fight.



  1. I was trying to think of who my super villain would be, but then I realized that I probably would be better suited to having a super-hero.

    I have issues.

  2. Heh, funny shit indeed. Rickey now finds himself needing a nemesis…

  3. Anonymous Doug, he doesnt even need a costume, thats if he isnt wearing one already… who am I talking about.

  4. I second that motion alex

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