Enshrined in Canton, Buried at ArlingtonJuly 24, 2008
I’m a sports fan, and as such I watch a lot of ESPN so that I can stay abreast of the latest in sporting news. But unfortunately most of our sports media here in America are obsessed with whether retired Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre will stay retired. This is because every sports journalist is secretly gay for Brett Favre, and because their homosexual feelings are so closeted and repressed these urges are not expressed in a very good way. In essence, our entire sports media is in a constant state of whipping out their cocks and wanking off to Brett Favre. When one stops, another begins. And all this pud-pounding to Brett Favre is getting in the way of actual sports coverage.
I also like to keep abreast of what’s happening in the world, and I’m dismayed by the fact that our television and print news outlets are bored with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I think I hear more about drunk white girls on the news than about how many soldiers died today. The next time I hear Amy Winehouse’s name in the news, she’d better have cured leukemia.
And so I sat down with a trashcan full of grain alcohol and spent the afternoon coming up with a plan to remedy these situations, and after the paramedics took me to the hospital to pump my stomach, I came up with the answer…
Brett Favre needs to go fight and die in Iraq. Not only will it bring attention back to that war, and possibly end it too, but it will finally stop all the talk about Brett Favre retiring. I just hope the sports media doesn’t start speculating whether Brett Favre will come back as a zombie… because I will just fucking lose it.
Also, Brett Favre should marry a man before he dies for good measure, just to end the gay marriage debate.
You either die a hero, or you live long enough to piss everyone off.