These swords are worth more than your god

July 29, 2008

A while ago I heard a news story about an incident during a Wiccan ceremony where a woman accidentally stabbed herself in the foot with her ceremonial sword.  And so naturally I go find Avonia the Wiccan Pimp to talk about this.

“Yes, Wiccan covens often own a sword,” Avonia the Wiccan Pimp says to me.  “I have a nice ceremonial sword back at my house that comes out for special occasions.”

“Dude, why doesn’t Wicca advertise that they have swords?” I say.  “People love swords.”

“Because the Wiccan faith isn’t about swords, it’s about our peaceful connection with nature and the seasons.”

“Man, you pagans really need to learn how to market yourselves,” I say.  “You get people to come to a ceremony for the swords, but then you get them to stay for the communion with nature.”

“It’s not like we use the swords a lot in our ceremonies,” says Avonia.  “Yes, we use the ritual knife to cast and dissolve our circle of worship, but that’s about it.”

“Can’t you expand the use of swords in your ceremonies?” I say.  “Because Americans love swords.”

“No, Americans love guns,” says Avonia.

“All right, but swords are at least in the Top Ten of things we love,” I say.  “Why do you think they made all those Highlander movies?  Because we enjoy the acting of Christopher Lambert?  It’s swords, woman!  Swords!”

“We’re not about to base the celebration of our faith on the supposed popularity of the Highlander movies,” says Avonia.  “And I stress the word “supposed” because I don’t associate the Highlander movies with critical or box office success.”

“Well no one made a successful syndicated TV show based on Wicca that ran for six season, now did they?” I say.  “Now if you want your faith to thrive in this new century then you better get with the times and start loping off heads.  Because there can be only one!”

“Beheading people goes against Wicca’s principles,” says Avonia.

“All right, forget the Highlander,” I say.  “What about Tron?  Can you work light cycles into your celebration of nature?”

“Light cycles don’t occur in nature,” says Avonia.

“And now you know why I’m not a Wiccan,” I say.

“I thought it was because we don’t wear shoes,” says Avonia.

Indeed.  No shoes, no light cycles, no immortals beheading each other in violent combat… what’s the point?




  1. Wiccans confuse and terrify Rickey.

  2. What about massive sex parties like in ‘The wicker man’, I mean sure there is no swords but, Christopher lee, open air pagan sex romps… I’m sure with her pimping connections she could work it in there somewhere.

  3. they should take a tip from the catholics. Benediction really rocks. all that incense and colourful dresses…..

  4. Man, every Wicca practitioner I know is obsessed with Tron. Or Repo Man.

  5. Man, every Wicca practitioner I know is obsessed with Tron. Or Repo Man.

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