It’s easier than being emotionally mature

July 31, 2008

The other day I was asking Tina the Lesbian how many gay and lesbian bars are in town. Yeah, it was a boring day.

“Five, but I’m only allowed in four of them,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Which aren’t you allowed in?” I ask.

“Butch Kassiday’s,” says Tina the Lesbian. “One of my ex’s goes there and I don’t want to run into her.”

“Why? What happened?” I asked. “Bad lesbian relationship?”

“No, actually our relationship ended rather well,” Tina the Lesbian says. “Didn’t cheat on me, didn’t hit me, didn’t do a lot of the bullshit things that end relationships. We just couldn’t be together anymore and we knew it.”

“So why can’t you go to the bar she goes to?” I ask.

“Because it’s easier for me to handle not being with her if I hate her,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“But you don’t hate her,right?” I say.

“Not at all,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But if I think that I hate her, I won’t be tempted to try and get her to take me back. Not the best of plans, but it’s worked for a couple years.”

“How do you fake hate someone?” I ask.

“It takes some work,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But if you can tap into your insecurities and personal fears, you’ll find a way.”

“What if you fake believed she was dead, and then you can fake believe that you don’t go to that bar because it reminds you of her?” I say. “That way you wouldn’t have to fake hate her.”

“That doesn’t help when my softball team has to play hers,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I can’t just pretend the center fielder for Valhalla Publishing is dead.”

“You could say she’s a zombie,” I say.

“And that’s less ridiculous than pretending to hate someone?” Tina the Lesbian says.

Well, she’s got me there. Then again, I’m not the best when it comes to relationships considering I haven’t had one since the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King won Best Picture. But I’m on the Internet, which means I have free reign to pontificate on shit I have no expertise in, because that’s what it’s for.



  1. Um, sorry, but zombie is never the wrong answer.


  2. I totally get this. I fake hate a lot of people. It’s just easier that way.

  3. Better to fake hate than fake love

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