Better Know a Renal Player: Anonymous Doug

August 1, 2008

This is the first installment of a new series here at Renal Failure where you the reader gets to better know a member of our illustrious cast of Renal Players.  First up: Anonymous Doug.

We first met Anonymous Doug in late 2005, where he explained to us his Anonymous Powers of no one remembering him or what he’s done when he’s not in the room.  And we quickly learned how handy those powers are, especially when it comes to loaning him money, getting pulled over by the cops, or not having any tact at all.  But it keeps him from running for political office and us from remembering to call him on the phone.

Anonymous Doug has some very unique new year’s resolutions, and mistaken understanding of what it means to teabag someone.  And he jerked off in a book once.

He might not have the best taste in women, but he has decent taste in movies and owns a kilt.  He also has dick dandruff and the ability to bring a conversation to a screeching uncomfortable halt.

He thinks a lot of things.  Like how people can “catch the gay” if you hang around homosexuals long enough, or that the Catholic Church invented the glory hole.  And he agrees with me that the future should be sexy and that global warming is a plot by sandal manufacturers to increase sales.

And when it comes to the topic of cryogenic freezing, Anonymous Doug has been at the forefront of the issue, asking the hard questions like if a 12-year old is frozen and then thawed out six years later is she then considered 18, and can you legally have sex with her?

In Doug’s world, if you’re old enough to catch the bouquet, you’re old enough for Doug to slip his hands up your dress to put on that garter.  And if you’ve invited him to your house to bang your wife, please silence your cell phone.

But not everything was butterflies and rainbows in Doug’s life, especially when you’re an anonymous child and your mom completely forgets about you whenever he leaves her sight.  Luckily he had a pseudonymous sister who helped get him through those tough times.

Oh, and ladies, you may have had sex with Anonymous Doug.  You just don’t remember, and probably neither does he.

And guys, if he likes you, Anonymous Doug will get you laid.



  1. I love Anonymous Dave… who?… oh Doug, do I know him.

  2. Heh, funny stuff sir. Rickey approves.

  3. “…the Catholic Church invented the glory hole…”

    This took place at the Council of Chalcedon. Go ahead, look it up.

  4. dick dandruff? eewwwww

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