Better Know a Renal Player: Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat

August 8, 2008

Bernie is my best friend, drinking partner, and colleague at Portuguese Intelligence (where he was built). His drink of choice is usually gin in a saucer. He’s a very smart kitty and we tend to have intellectual discussions about stuff like Global Boring, how bad the future will smell, our pro-human biased media, and the logic holes of predestination. We also planned to build a large cat to push the earth further from the sun like a ball of yarn.

He is also the person I turn to for dating advice, which pretty much entails him telling me what not to do. I trust him because Bernie is married to a nice whisky-guzzling Irish woman named Marlie. They met on St. Patrick’s Day. He loves his wife enough to kill endangered species for her, and once for Christmas he gave a coupon for a hymenoplasty as a gift. But luckily he decided against buying her the G-Spot enlargement treatment. This is a roundabout way of saying that they have sex. Wild kinky dangerous crime-against-nature sex.

Bernie is also biding his time until the Feline Revolution hits, causing Feline Judgment Day for the human race, whom he holds in bitter contempt for our shortcomings. And Bob Barker will be the first to go for his neutering advocacy, the monster! And he also was the true coiner of the phrase “I can has cheezburger?”

As a cyborg, he’s got a laser cannon that pops out of his hip, and an iPod built into his head. Sometimes he’s got his rockets for when he doesn’t feel like jumping.

But he’s still a cat, and likes laying clothes baskets (to hide from the cops for that illegal dog fighting ring he was involved in) and sitting in boxes (to listen to Cat Radio).

And he really likes it when you rub under his chin.



  1. when really hammered, i asked a geek friend to put an iPod jack into my head, right behind my ear. fortunately, he was too drunk to operate the Dremel that night. Bernie wants me. He just doesn’t know it yet…

  2. I just when the feline revolution comes, the detention camps proper internet facilities.

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