There’s no caribou in my momAugust 13, 2008
Psycho Dave is going through my kitchen drawers. This is better than him going through my bedroom drawers.
“What are you looking for?” I ask.
“Your address book,” Psycho Dave says.
“Why’s that?” I ask.
“Because I need your mom’s address so I can drill her,” says Psycho Dave.
“We have no time for your confused blinking!” says Psycho Dave. “I need to drill your mom and I need to drill her now for the sake of energy independence and lower gas prices.”
“How does having sex with my mom drive down the price of oil?” I ask. “She doesn’t have billions of barrels of oil in her vagina. And if she did, it would take 20 years to get it to market.”
“Never question the invisible hand of the free market,” says Psycho Dave. “Look, I’ve been talking about banging your mom for a couple weeks and I’ve noticed the price of gas has decreased to below four bucks.”
“Or, that could be indicative of reduced consumption or price readjustment after a period of wild speculation,” I say.
“And next thing you’ll be telling me is that by properly inflating my penis I can get better mileage in your mom,” Psycho Dave scoffs at me. “You can take that Marxist claptrap and shove up your ass. We need to drill your mom and we need to drill her now. And by ‘we’ and I mean me because if you do it… eew. Just eew.”
“Well you can’t drill my mom because I was born in a lab in a twisted expression of mad science gone even madder,” I say. “I don’t have one.”
“Bernie the half-cyborg cat says he met your parents at your college graduation and that they’re lovely people,” says Psycho Dave.
“Bernie is a god damn fucking liar and a pedophile!” I scream. “I will not be slandered and libeled and copyright infringed. I came from a lab and not from parents and that’s final!”
“You just don’t want me drilling your mom and ANWR,” says Psycho Dave. “You’re in the pocket of the eco-fags and the anti-business gays and the blame America first dykes.”
“What about all those other moms you know who you aren’t drilling?” I say. “Why aren’t you drilling them?”
“That’s a very unserious response to a vital issue of national importance,” says Psycho Dave. “But just out of curiosity, do you know anyone who happens to have a hot mom?”
“Well, Mikka’s mom is Finnish if you’re in the mood to eat Scandinavian,” I say. “And I heard Ninja Vicki’s mom does pilates.”
“Do you have their addresses in your address book?” says Psycho Dave.
“I don’t have an address book,” I say.
“You suck and you hate America!” says Psycho Dave, stomping out of my house.
These high gas prices are driving us all mad.