Woman, get me a beer and a catnip mouse!

August 18, 2008

Marlie is laying on the couch, reading a paperback novel, when her husband Bernie the half-cyborg cat jumps up on her and nuzzles the book out of the way so he can sit on her chest and get in her face.

“What the feck do ya want?” Marlie says, unhappy that Bernie has interrupted her reading.

“I’m bored,” says Bernie.  “Pet me and then go get the sparkly stick.  I want to play.”

“Ah, do it ya self,” Marlie says, uninterested.

“I can’t play with the sparkly stick by myself, ” says Bernie.  “You need to wave it around for me.”

“You get the sparkly stick, I’m readin’,” Marlie says.

“I can’t get the sparkly stick, it’s in a drawer,” Bernie says.

“Sa?  It’s in a drawr,” says Marlie.  “Sa what?”

“So I can’t open drawers because I don’t have any fucking thumbs, ya cunt!”  Bernie says.  “Now go get the sparkly stick!”

“Did’ya joost call me a coont?” says Marlie.  “We dunnot use that ward in this house, Bernie.  Bad kitty.”

“You called the toaster a cunt this morning,” says Bernie.  “There isn’t an appliance in this house you haven’t called a cunt.”

“Yah, but you dant say it with an Irish accent,” Marlie says.  “See, whan I say it, it sounds funny and charmin’.  When you say it in your awful American tangue, it don’t sound sa good ta me ears.”

“Just get the god damn sparkly stick,” Bernie says.

“I’ll get tha damn squirt bottle if ya keep usin’ tha Lard’s name ‘n vain,” Marlie says.

“Look, I’m feeling hyper and if I don’t get it all out of my system with sparkly stick I’m going to end up shredding something,” says Bernie.  “Like your bathrobe or your curtains or your Team Ireland jerseys.”

Marlie sits up and puts Bernie on the carpet. “All right, but I’m doin’ it from tha couch.  And later you gotta gimme one of them kitty biscuit massages.”

Marriage is full of compromises like this.




  1. He should get some thumbs installed, or a more subserviant wife… either way.

  2. that kitten video is too cute

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