Pegasus for Vice President!August 21, 2008
Here at Renal Failure, we keep track of the absolute dumbest things that have been said in this young century, because it’s easy pickings for material and we can usually get two or three posts out of something that reaches the elite levels of stupidity. Sherri Sheparrd from The View (aka America’s Dumbest Person) provided us with at least a week’s worth of posts.
And so when Ninja Vicki brought me a stolen copy of the Washington Post and pointed out Sally Quinn’s column to me, I knew I had a winner because the series of words she starts her piece with has got to be the worst opening statement written since “It was a dark and stormy night.”
“When I was little, I had a recurrent dream that there was a terrible earthquake. My father, his body a horse with wings, swooped down from the sky, kneeled so I could jump on his back and flew away just as the earth cracked open beneath me. It was my most comforting dream. I want to live in that world again. I want to live in John McCain’s world.”
“I wasn’t aware John McCain’s platform contained winged centaurs saving little girls from natural disasters,” says Ninja Vicki. “Though come to think of it, it might have been our government’s policy for Hurricane Katrina.”
“You know, if I had a dream that one of my parents was a creature out of a Ray Harryhausen movie or an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, I’d want to keep that to myself,” I say. “I sure as fuck wouldn’t print it in a national newspaper.”
“John McCain needs to call this woman up and tell her that he is not the Narnia candidate,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Her whole column is how she wishes she lived in Fantasia with McCain flying around on Falcor the Luck Dragon but instead lives in scary realistic and nuanced Obama world,” I say.
“Does that mean if McCain gives the Childlike Empress a new name he wins the election?” Ninja Vicki says.
“It’s better than Rick Santorum’s Lord of the Rings metaphor for the War in Iraq,” I say. “Not by much though because at least this crazy lady doesn’t hold elected office.”
“You think we can fit in a Labyrinth reference anywhere in here?” says Ninja Vicki.
“It would be a stretch,” I say. “I thought I had a good Legend reference brewing, but it just didn’t come together.”
Sometimes an idea is better left staying in your head where it can’t hurt anyone.