Listen to the man with the diamond encrusted chalice

August 25, 2008

Over a year and a half ago our main man, the Pimp-tastic former senator from Mississippi Trent Lott, stopped by to let Delaware Senator Joe Biden know that he had no chance of winning the Presidency. Especially after it became clear Joe Biden had no idea how to talk about black people.

But that was last year, and this is this year. Trent Lott is no longer in the Senate and now Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s pick for Vice President. So we checked back in with T-Lott to see what the dealie-o is with Biden being a VP candidate.

“Shit dawg, ain’t it obvious?” Trent Lott says to me as we pound some forties on the front steps. “Think back to that one debate when Joe-Bi said Rudy Giuliani only says three things when he opens his yap: a noun, a verb, and 9/11. I saw that shit and I went OH SNAP! That shit was the nastiest burn I done heard since Lloyd Bentsen told Dan Quayle that he was no Jack Kennedy.”

“So you’re saying that Joe Biden was selected by Obama to be his vice-prez candidate just because Biden delivered the biggest political Yo Mama snap since 1988?” I say.

“Shit yeah, my schneegro!” says Trent Lott. “A snap like that only comes once every like ten years or so. And when it does, you give that man the best job you can.”

“So giving Bush the authority to start the Iraq war and being a whore for the credit card companies doesn’t matter as much as being the man who delivered the best verbal bitchslap of the decade?” I say.

“Word, honkey,” says Trent Lott. “Look, Obama ain’t Bush. He’s not going to let his VP just do whatever he wants. All he’s gonna do is sit around and wait to break ties in the Senate. So if that’s all he’s gonna do, you might as well get someone who knows how to verbally throw down.”

I ponder this for a moment as we pour some of our malt liquor out in memory of our dead homies, and I come to the conclusion that Trent Lott is absolutely right.

“None of the other candidates had any good snaps during the primaries,” I say. “And none of the other people floated for the VP spot were known for laying down the burns either.”

“I know the game, I seen it played for years,” says Trent Lott. “You think shit in government is decided by thinking hard about shit? Hell no, dawg! How do you think everyone got their jobs in the Bush Administration? Alberto Gonzales got the Attorney General job because Laura Bush liked his hair. Condi Rice got to be Secretary of State because she made W a nice mixtape.”

So remember, you’re not voting for change when you vote for Obama. You’re voting for someone who makes less shallower decisions about stuff.



One comment

  1. “Shit yeah, my schneegro”

    using that.

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