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Joss Whedon: Christianity’s Greatest Monster

August 26, 2008

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp was taking an afternoon stroll through her turf, making sure her army of ho’s were hard at work making her that fresh cash money. And that’s when she was unexpectedly confronted by Sean and Lucia Wheatley.

“Stop making women leave the Church!” Lucia Wheatley yells at Avonia.

“What?” Avonia says, not sure why she’s to blame for this.

“You’re a Wiccan,” says Sean Wheatley. “And Wicca is making women leave Christianity in droves.”

“Well, actually Buffy the Vampire Slayer is making women leave,” says Lucia. “But they leaving for Wicca so you’re just as much to blame as Buffy is.”

“I would think it would have had the opposite effect, considering Christianity had been at the forefront of battling vampires for centuries,” says Avonia.

“You thought wrong, pagan temptress!” Sean says. “See, the female empowering messages in the show have made women question their places in the hierarchies of various Christian denominations.”

“And the show portrayed Wicca as a religion that encourages women in positions of leadership and greater participation,” says Lucia. “So they’re abandoning the Christian faith and jumping to Wicca.”

“Well, maybe if the Christian faiths treated women as equals instead of just subservient babymakers, maybe they’d be more willing to stay,” Avonia says.

“I am not a subservient babymaker!” says Lucia. “I have yet to bear a child onto the world.”

“The world is too scary to bring a child into it,” says Sean. “What with all the gays and terrorists and atheists running around.”

“I just don’t see why women should tolerate being second-class citizens in an organization that is irrelevant to their modern needs,” says Avonia.

“Look, if our Judeo-Christian God wanted women in positions of power in his Church, he would have sent his only daughter to die for the sins of the world, not his only son Jesus,” says Lucia.

“Well, what if God did send his only daughter, except that the society at the time didn’t want to hear her message and killed her for blasphemy and not knowing a woman’s place before she reached the popularity of Jesus?” says Avonia.

“Then that’s one more thing we can blame the Jews for,” says Sean. “But that doesn’t absolve you or Buffy for chipping away at our congregation’s females.”

“So could you and Sarah Michelle Gellar do us all a favor and stop luring Christian women to your demonic way of life?” says Lucia. “We’d appreciate that.”

“Which demonic way of life? The Wicca or the prostitution?” says Avonia.

And that presents a bit of a quandary for the Wheatleys, so they excuse themselves to go call the pastor of the megachurch they attend to find out. This gives Avonia the chance to escape before things got any dumber and she forgot about her selective pacifism. For Avonia will only raise her strong pimp hand in anger when the matter involves her roster of hookers.

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3 comments

  1. are the wheatleys using birth control? ‘coz God doesn’t like that…..


  2. And what about all those cross dressin’ preachers? All frocked up and no one to preach to.


  3. “The world is too scary to bring a child into it,” says Sean. “What with all the gays and terrorists and atheists running around.”

    Is there a difference between those three things?



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