Renal Protection

September 22, 2008

It looks our good friend and Victorian-era magnificent bastard Lord Likely is in a spot of trouble. It seems that someone is looking to kill Lord Likely, but no one knows who that dastardly someone is because the good Lord seems to have quite list of people displeased with him in some form or another.

So we here at Renal Failure are looking for a way to reach 151 years into the past and give one of our early Renal Readers some help in the form of a bodyguard. While we toil away to unlock the intricacies of time travel, we can at least figure out which of Renal Players would be best suited to protect Lord Likely from his would-be assassin.

Samurai Cathy is a ronin for hire and a superb choice for a bodyguard. Just ask the people in high school that she prevented Ninja Vicki from killing. We’re not sure how the rest of Victorian society will react to a sword-swinging redhead in a kimono walking down their streets, but if they steer clear of her that will work to her and Lord Likely’s advantage, as it will make the real killer easier to spot.

On the other hand, it might take a killer to catch a killer. In that case, Ninja Vicki would be the prime candidate to protect Lord Likely. Ninja Vicki believes the best defense is a good offense, and that involves lots of killing. Best of all, Lord Likely won’t even see Ninja Vicki, as she’ll be in the shadows or in the ceiling, keeping an eye on everything until it’s time for her to bury a shuriken or knife into whoever. Jack the Ripper ain’t got shit on Ninja Vicki.

Or perhaps Lord Likely requires more than just physical protection. Perhaps someone wielding the powers of darkness is hot on Likely’s heels. In that case, he’s going to need Avonia the Wiccan Pimp and her magic. And if it turns out that Lord Likely’s would-be assailants really are Mrs. Dinklesuck’s killer prostitutes, there’s no better defense against killer hookers than a pimp. Of course, the Victorians might not take a shine to her mystical ways, and Avonia has no desire to be burned at the stake.

We could send Crimson Paraplegic, but her ability to fly would freak the shit out of those 1850’s people. That and her spandex outfit would be considered scandalous.

Bernie the Half Cyborg cat might be a good choice, but he married an Irish girl and that’s frowned upon in Victorian England.

Anonymous Doug, Mikka, and Tina the Lesbian would not be of any help for they lack any fighting ability, despite Mikka’s years of playing Street Fighter II, all those Tae Bo tapes Tina owns but never uses, and that time Doug spent a month in jail because they forgot he was in there.

We could always send Tag Larkin. No. No, let’s not do that. I’m not sure what would happen if Lord Likely and Tag Larkin were to ever meet, but I get the feeling it could mean the end of the universe.

So fear not Lord Likely… Renal Failure has your back. We’re just not sure which one of us actually has it.



  1. Psycho Dave maybe… at least it would get him out of your house and eating all your bacon!

  2. send Tag Larkin :-)

  3. Excuse my tardiness getting here…I have been awfully busy of late!

    I would happily have any of the Renal Failure Players watching my back. But I fear none of them may be able to keep their eyes away from my perfectly sculpted buttocks! Such is the curse of being so damnably attractive!

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