She will harvest your ass

September 23, 2008

Yesterday was the Autumnal Equinox and the Fall Wiccan Sabbat known as Mabon.  It is known as the Witches’ Thanksgiving and as a time for relaxation and reflection.

Unless you’re Avonia the Wiccan Pimp… then it’s a time to almost get banned from the local supermarket.

“The coven put me in charge of getting stuff for the ceremony,” Avonia tells me.  “Like acorns and pine cones and corn and such for the altar.”

But Avonia was so busy pimping this week, she had to go out for these items at the last minute, and that’s when trouble reared its head when she found that there were no more gourds in the produce section.

“Yeah, I kind of lost my shit on an assistant manager,” Avonia sheepishly says.  “I just remember screaming ‘Why are you out of fucking gourds?  Who else is buying gourds?’  over and over.  I was just so stressed with having to deal with gathering items for the sabbat.”

And she may have threatened to bitchslap the shit out of a cashier, but there’s some dispute about that.  Don’t stand between a pagan and her symbolic fruits.

But luckily she found a roadside gourd stand on her way to the Whole Foods in the next town over, thus the ceremony was sufficiently stocked with symbols and Mabon was saved.

Even pagan pimps hate Mondays.



  1. Is Avonia the Wiccan Pimp gonna havta choke a bitch?

  2. Is it proper to use your pimping hand on a cashier?

  3. I’ve already commented on the other posts so I’d better leave one here too ;-)

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