Samurai Cathy vs. Avonia the Wiccan Pimp

September 29, 2008

So I’m hanging out on the corner with Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. She’s surveying her pimpdom, and I’m drinking windex and vodka out of a bag like the mack daddy I am. And while we’re doing our thang, Mikka and Samurai Cathy come strolling by.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” I ask the happy couple.

“We’re on our way to a free stage reading at the community theater,” says Mikka. “And I figured this would a good time for Cathy to finally meet Avonia.”

“I sense strong magic in her,” says Samurai Cathy, her hand hovering over the hilt of her sword.

“No, no, it’s cool,” Mikka says. “She’s Wiccan. It’s the good magic.”

“Oh, sorry,” Cathy says. “It’s just that I’ve had some bad experiences with magicians and sorcerers. I still have part of a fireball burn on my bicep.”

“The goddess had made me a healer and a protector, not an aggressor,” says Avonia.

“Unless one of your ho’s don’t got your money,” I say. “Then it’s time for a witchslapping.”

“Ho’s?” says Cathy, quizzically.

“Avonia is also a pimp,” says Mikka.

That doesn’t seem to sit well with Samurai Cathy, as it seems Avonia’s occupation has offended Cathy’s sense of justice.

“No, no, she’s not in it for the exploitation of women,” Mikka says, trying to avert a confrontation. “She just has a natural talent for the business, and it subsidizes her Wiccan supply shop.”

“The goddess protects her daughters in strange ways sometimes,” says Avonia. “And hookers can do a lot worse on their own, or with some other pimp who doesn’t have such a close relationship with the spirits of nature.”

“Spirits?” says Samurai Cathy. “So can you talk with the dead?”

“Are you kidding?” Avonia says. “The dead never shut up. You got some deceased you need contacted?

“Oh, do I ever!” says Samurai Cathy. “I’ve almost lost count of the people I know who have been killed.”

Everyone takes a step back from the samurai.

“Well… if you’ll excuse me, I need to go work on some circle of protection spells,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, leaving in a hurry.

“That didn’t go so well, did it?” says Samurai Cathy.

“Well, you can’t expect to get on smashingly right off the bat with everyone,” I say. “Besides, I think this was the first time ever a samurai and a pimp have ever met in the history of the world.”

And that’s why you come to Renal Failure… for that sort of pioneering innovation.



  1. All I can think of now, is you and a pimp sitting in deck chairs on a corner drinking and talking to a samurai and her boyfriend… And somehow thats probably not the wierdest image I’ll get from you this week.

  2. I think a samurai and a pimp may have locked horns on a tarantino set once. maybe over the doughnut table

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