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Designing Women… and their snatches

October 2, 2008

Nice to see the BBC talking about a disturbing trend that Renal Failure was on top of almost three years ago: designer vaginas.

So far medical science for the cooter only addresses things like labia reduction, “vaginal rejuvenation,” and vaginal wall reduction. But we here at Renal Failure are always looking toward the future, and we also like talking about the meat curtains whenever we can, so I put together a focus group at our local drinking establishment to see what the next step is in the evolution of beef curtain surgery.

“A third set of labia,” says Mikka. “Because then we’re another step closer to being able to give women a third boob, and that would be awesome.”

“Retractable teeth for ultimate protection,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Sort of like Wolverine’s claws, except they’re teeth. And they’re in a vagina.”

“Can we get a vag wired like that board game Operation?” says Anonymous Doug. “Like if you touch the wrong thing her nose lights up and let’s you know right away to stop doing that? Because it would save me a lot of time finding out what the woman I’m banging that week really likes.”

“An biological extendable urethra so I can pee standing up,” says Ninja Vicki.

“So you want a penis?” I say.

“No, just something that can extend out so I don’t have to pop a squat whenever I have to piss while I’m hiding in a tree,” says Ninja Vicki.

“Wireless internet access,” says Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat with a little kitty shrug. “I really shouldn’t be involved in this discussion. Last time I said anything about vaginal surgery I got kicked out of the house.”

“Whatever will make the cramps go away,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, looking a bit pained this evening. “Install a pressure valve, carpet the whole thing in velvet, I don’t care. Just make the cramps stop.”

“Do I really have to answer this question?” says Samurai Cathy.

“Hey, you want to be in with Mikka’s friends, you gotta be in the focus groups,” I say. “It’s part of the package.”

“Okay… what about… uh… something that makes it self-cleaning, like an oven,” says Samurai Cathy, flashing an uncomfortable smile, followed by a disappointed cringe as the rest of us stare blankly at her.

Well, she’s new… she’ll catch up to the rest of us soon enough.

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5 comments

  1. Well I know I won’t be hopping on that bus anytime soon. If I can only cringe while reading about this and pass out over a mere GYN exam, why the hell would I contemplate this snatch patching?


  2. ‘“Okay… what about… uh… something that makes it self-cleaning, like an oven,” says Samurai Cathy, flashing an uncomfortable smile, followed by a disappointed cringe as the rest of us stare blankly at her.’

    I’m imagining that would involve bi-carb soda some how.


  3. Hmmm. I think both sexes should stop being such f***ing c***s.

    ADG


  4. it’s already self cleaning!


  5. Exactly. It is self cleaning. Like an oven. Or cats.



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