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Better Know a Renal Player: Sean and Lucia Wheatley

October 3, 2008

Sean and Lucia are a happily married couple who are easily frightened by… oh, let’s just say “the whole world.”

They have an ongoing struggle with Tina the Lesbian over the concept of gay marriage threatening to destroy their marriage. This has also led them to learn more about the gay menace hanging over their loving union like the sword of Gayoclese. They found out that soy is supposed to make you gay, that lesbians share the same locker rooms as straight women, and that there are roving gangs of lesbians looking to recruit unwitting victims into their Sapphic slavery. On the male side of the homo coin, Sean Wheatley was afraid of using public restrooms because he didn’t want to accidentally signal to anyone that he was looking for gay sex.

Usually their fears stem from something they heard off the TV or internet, like how homosexuality is a greater threat than Islamic terrorism. Or that gays cause earthquakes. Or that Buffy the Vampire Slayer turns Christian women into Wiccan lesbians.

But their fears are not just mainly about homosexuality. They’re also afraid of illegal Mexican immigrants giving them leprosy, Wiccans in capes, atheists who can destroy an entire state with the power of disbelief, and me spraying them with a Super-Soaker filled with my own semen.

Then there was the time they tried to get Samurai Cathy to slay a mythical beast known only as the Tyrant King Porn Dragon, which is a giant beast that apparently inspires Jews into prostitution and pornography and then turns the public against them. So far, no one has gotten any footage of this beast doing any of that.

But their capacity for fear has a limit. They know they should be scared of Barack Obama, but all of the reasons contradict each other. They were almost ready to be afraid of his “terrorist fist-jab” until Tina the Lesbian explained to them the concept of “respect knuckles.”

They’ve tried to grow as people, despite the crippling terror that the outside world inflicts on them. Once they were confronted with satire, and though they failed to grasp it that didn’t stop them from giving it another shot. That, however, ended with disastrous results. How disastrous? Well, I’d think laughing for an entire hour at a picture of the flaming World Trade Center towers would be very high on the Disaster Scale.

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2 comments

  1. try as I might, I just can’t warm to them.


  2. the Wheatleys, or their mid-western clones, live next door to me… i’m going to start rodent sacrifice in order to keep their karma out of my condo…



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