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Making a killing on the cock market

October 6, 2008

“Okay, so last week the House doesn’t pass the bailout package and the stock market goes down almost 800 points,” says Bernie the Half Cyborg cat.

“Correct,” I say.

“And then the next day nothing happens and it jumps up 500 points,” says Bernie.

“You got it,” I say.

“Then Wednesday the Senate votes in favor of the bailout, getting the market to close down only 19 points instead of the 220 it had been down earlier in the day,” says Bernie.

“Right,” I say.

“Then Thursday it drops like the fucking Lusitania again because investors are wary that the House won’t vote for the bailout,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.

“Are you getting your point soon?” I say.

“It’s coming, don’t worry,” says Bernie. “But then on Friday the House approves the bailout and the market reacts by dropping another 157 points and ending the week at with an over seven percent loss.

“And now your point…” I say, hoping it has something to do with Larry Kudlow and Neil Cavuto having to fight to the death for strips of bacon (the winner takes on Jim Cramer, who can kill with his sonic scream).

“Why the fuck is my 401k linked to a financial system that doesn’t follow any logical path whatsoever?” Bernie yells. “The Dow Jones average goes down when the House doesn’t approve the bailout, and then when those Congressional assholes do vote for the bailout the fucking market still goes down? What the fuck, man? My fucking portfolio is down 12%. I’m looking to retire in seven years. At this rate, I’ll be one of those old people who can only afford to eat cat food.”

“But you eat cat food now…” I say.

“I eat gourmet cat food served out of a crystal dish,” says Bernie. “I’m not going back to fucking that 9 Lives shit. Morris the Cat can suck my spiked cybernetic kitty dick.”

This is why my money is safely invested in Kylie Minogue cloning farms.

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5 comments

  1. You know, Bernie sounds a LOT like Cramer. Was he rolling up his sleeves and slapping tabletops like an untrained orangutan?


  2. I bet y’all are wishing you had followed our lead and invested your retirement fund in collectible Nascar Plates right about now. Or bought stock in Mindy Sue’s All Nude Review. Tittie bars are the way to go. The worse the economy gets the more the world needs tittie bars.


  3. As soon as Tony Stewart dies in a fiery crash, them there plates of mine are gonna rocket in value. Then I’ll finally have that community college fund I done been dreaming of.


  4. ‘Morris the Cat can suck my spiked cybernetic kitty dick.’

    Man if I had a dollar for everytime I heard that phrase…


  5. how’s that KM cloning farm going?



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