Damn you Mop n’ Glo!

October 22, 2008

Sundays in Autumn and Winter are not happy ones in the household of Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat and Marlie.

“Ya been watchin’ fahkin’ assball all day!” Marlie yells at her feline husband. “Get aff tha couch!”

“It’s football, Marlie,” Bernie says, curled up on the couch with the remote under his paw so he can flip back and forth between games. “American football, the best football there is. And I have to watch it all day. I have fantasy league players to keep track of.”

“I wanna watch me fahkin’ TiVo!” Marlie yells again. “I hafta catch up on me episodes of Ireland’s best reality show ‘Colin Farrell Fucks Yer Sista.'”

“Woman, do not interrupt when football is on!” Bernie yells back.

Marlie thinks about bringing the hose into the house, but then she’d have to sit on a wet couch. So she goes to her Plan B.

Plan B involves putting a fresh coat of wax on the kitchen floor and then running the can opener. And like with most cats, when Bernie hears the can opener, he comes running. Then his paws hit that slick floor and he slides out of control into the back door.

“That’s not funny at all!” Bernie yells at Marlie, and then he finds out there’s no cat food either. “This is some bullshit, woman! Some serious bullshit!”

“Are we a slippery kitty, Bernie?” Marlie says in that baby-talk voice we all use on cats. “Did kitty fall down and go boom?”

“Catholic whorebag!” Bernie yells, cautiously making his way out of the kitchen to return to watching his football game.

Later that night, Bernie gets his revenge by using her tampons as kitty toys, bapping them around with his paws like they’re little white catnip mice. She’s not sure how he gets them out of the wrappers, but then again she’s not sure how Bernie does a lot of things.




  1. ‘She’s not sure how he gets them out of the wrappers, but then again she’s not sure how Bernie does a lot of things.’

    He doesnt have some help from a opposable thumbed neighbor does he.

  2. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get between a woman and her tampons….

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