Night of the Living Renal Failure: Part 2

October 28, 2008

The zombie hordes on my block have thinned out, so I leave Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat’s house and get to my car, because I can’t live out the rest of this zombie holocaust on just Jameson’s and Fancy Feast. Now the question is, where do I go from here?

I think about going to hide out at the Bass-to-Bass, but I saw Shaun of the Dead and hiding out in a bar didn’t work out too well for them. Then I gets to thinking… the bar in that movie, the Winchester, was a regular bar. What about a gay bar?

So I drive over to ClamLappers and I find that the zombie hordes have breached its lesbian defenses and have flooded inside. An Ani DeFranco song plays under the drone of zombie growls and crunching flesh.

But there is one other gay bar in town that I know of… and so I drive to Slap Happy’s where Black Jesus tends bar and lives in the apartment over it. It doesn’t look like the zombies have gotten inside. But I see Black Jesus throwing a brick through the front window, exposing everyone inside to zombie attack.

“Black Jesus, what are you doing?” I exclaim out my window.

“Oh hi,” says Black Jesus. “I’m doing unto others as they have done onto me.”

“What are you talking about?” I say.

“They wouldn’t let me hide with them,” says Black Jesus. “I show up to hide out, thinking that everyone will want me around considering I can multiply bread and fish and wine. Instead, I get kicked out because I came back from the dead and they think that makes me a zombie.”

“And so you’re going to let the zombies eat all those people who didn’t want you to hide with them?” I say. “I thought Jesus Saves.”

“I did not come to bring peace, but a sword,” says Black Jesus. “In this case, the sword is a brick.”

Just then, Black Jesus notices a gathering zombie horde two blocks away. “Listen, I have to get going.”

“You want to come with me?” I ask. “I could use a healer and a food multiplier.”

“No thanks,” says Black Jesus. “As a black man my chances of surviving a zombie outbreak goes up if I’m on my own.”

“Can you at least tell me where Tina the Lesbian is?” I ask. “ClamLappers got overrun by zombies and I’m afraid she might have been in there.”

“My super Jesus-sense tells me she went to hide at the Home Depot with Ninja Vicki and the Wheatleys,” says Black Jesus.

That doesn’t sound good at all…

To be continued…




  1. Dam! I am behind..need catch up on the story!

  2. Holy crap the Wheatleys… I’m just trying to figure out how they are going to blame this on Tina.

  3. just catch a flight to australia, we don’t have any zombies over here. do we alex?

  4. Not that I’ve seen.

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