Night of the Living Renal Failure Part 3

October 29, 2008

I pull up to the Home Depot and it’s swarming with zombies. I’m about ready to leave when my cell phone buzzes in my pocket and I see it’s Tina the Lesbian calling me.

“Hey, you’re alive,” I say. “Where are you?”

“I’m up on the roof,” says Tina the Lesbian. ”

“I heard you were with Ninja Vicki and the Wheatleys,” I say. “Where are they?”

“Fuck Ninja Vicki!” Tina the Lesbian yells. “We follow her here so that we can get lumber to barricade ourselves somewhere, and power tools to kill zombies with, right? And as soon as the zombies start rolling in, she ditches us! I went to grab a chainsaw and when I turned back around… gone.”

“Well, ninjas are solitary creatures devoted to self-preservation,” I say. “It wasn’t a good idea to follow her in the first place.”

“Yeah, well I found that out the hard way and so did the Wheatleys,” says Tina the Lesbian. “They trusted her because they thought she was the most dangerous person in town, and how does Ninja Vicki repay that trust? By letting them get eaten in the paint department.”

“So how the hell am I supposed to get you down from the roof?” I say.

Tina tells me to pull around back. There’s a tractor trailer back there that Tina the Lesbian jumps can jump down onto to, then climb down and get to my car.

“Where should we try to hide now?” Tina asks as I peel out before the zombies get wise to us.

“The Adultatorium is nearby,” I say.

“Why would we want to go there?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because if you and me have to repopulate the human race, I’m gonna need to get you in the mood,” I say. “Plus, no one ever hides in a porno shop in a zombie movie, plus they have edible panties and I’m feeling a bit peckish.”

To be continued…



  1. Hey, while you guys are there, see if they have Edward Penishands.

  2. edible panties….ghastly….especially after wearing them for three or four days.

  3. edible panties will make her arse look fat

  4. Wait wait wait… I know theyre not the nicest of people but is everyone just going to gloss over the fact the wheatleys are dead! or undead as it were.

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