Night of the Living Renal Failure: Part 4

October 30, 2008

So Tina the Lesbian and I are hiding at the Adultatorium, building a walls out of dildos and bondage gear to barricade the windows and doors. I’m trying to get her to look at some nudie mags so maybe we can get started repopulating the earth, but she’s having none of that.

“And naturally Sean and Lucia Wheatley blamed the zombies on gay marriage,” Tina the Lesbian tells me as we work. “So NInja Vicki decides to scare them by telling them that gay zombies won’t eat your brains, they’ll just force you to give them oral sex. Then you not only become a zombie but gay too. That got them to follow any instruction Ninja Vicki gave them.”

“Ninja Vicki has issues,” I say.

And as we’re putting the finishing touches on another dildo wall, we hear someone coming out of the nudie booth room.

“Hey, what are you guys doing here?” says Anonymous Doug, zipping up his pants and wiping his hands on a towel.

“Hey, it’s Anonymous Doug!” I say. “You’re alive! That’s great.”

“Well, it’s not so good to see you,” says Anonymous Doug. “You’re going to get me killed.”

“How so?” I ask. “Isn’t there supposed to strength in numbers, unless you’re Black Jesus?”

“Yeah, what’s the problem?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“If a zombie sees me, all I have to do is get out of sight and the zombie forgets he saw me,” says Anonymous Doug. “If a zombie sees either of you, they’re going to chase you and find me and then I’m dead. So you’re going to have to leave. This is Anonymous Doug country, and if you try to stay I’ll throw my trusty spunk towel at you.”

“Where else can we go?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Chin-Fin Town might be a good place,” says Anonymous Doug. “I’ve never heard of a movie about zombies in China or Finland.”

And so Anonymous Doug writes us a note to remind us not to go back to the Adultatorium, and we leave him our dildo walls as we head for Chin-Fin Town.

Halfway there we spot a group of zombies trudging down the street. They don’t seem to notice the car passing by them. In fact, they look like they’re running from something. And that’s when we see Tag Larkin chugging down the street after those zombies with a knife and fork in his hands.

“What the hell is that about?” Tina the Lesbian says.

“Zombies don’t eat Tag Larkin,” I say. “Tag Larkin eats zombies.”

“Why does he do that?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because he needs the fiber.”

To be continued…



  1. Interesting wall of dildo, not to be confused with wall of voodoo from the 80’s i guess… wondering if tina the lesbian should have grabbed a couple of really big jars of lube to spread on the ground causing the zombies to slip and fall on the slickness of ‘wet’. you know… like that stuff they make so it keeps its lubricity underwater? yeah.. i think that could work… but what do i know :)

  2. Trusty Spunk towel… disturbing, yet not surprising.

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