Someone give her some punctuation for Christmas

December 3, 2008

We neglected to check in with the Pimptastic former Senator Trent Lott about what he thought of last month’s Presidential Election. So I went out looking for him to remedy that oversight.

I found Trent Lott down at our local bar, sitting with Alaska Governor and former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

“So what can I get you?” the bartender says to Trent Lott and Sarah Palin.

“Tanqueray and tonic,” says Trent Lott.

“Drinks are what people come to bars for,” says Sarah Palin, “and it’s important for people to drink and tip generously to make our economy go up and, oh, it has to be about job creation where drinks are made for consumer to drink who can then go to other jobs to make money to buy more drinks which will make us competitive in the global international work situation so we can be the great world leader that we’ve always been and will continue to be and we currently are because America is the birthplace of liberty and freedom and we shouldn’t ever question that even if we have been drinking because that sends the wrong message to our enemies like Al Qaeda and Vladimir Putin who’s head rears over the horizon because he’s 50 feet tall and wants to take the vodka tonic I want right out of my hand so it’s up to this team of mavericks to provide the strong leadership that demands the respect that we as a nation deserve because we love freedom and kittens even though kittens don’t vote and can’t drink but are so very cute even though you can’t hunt them for sport and they pal around with terrorists but what it comes down to is that in America we have many choices that other countries don’t have when we go to our local bar or tavern or middle school where we need to develop the next generation of bartenders to serve us appletinis and cosmopolitans just like how our troops serve us in fighting in Iraq where we must not waver in our support of the things we are doing there because they want what we want which is a Jack and Coke because as a mom I sometimes need a little pick-me-up to get through the day dont’cha know and Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola represent the best of America that the media never shows and that’s a shame because we would do much better as a nation if they reported on these patriotic institutions that gives us such wonderful beverages that have delighted real Americans for years and provided some much needed levity to some tough times which we’ve persevered through thanks to some good old-fashioned common sense and American know-how that have been the hallmark of our great country since its inception when our founding fathers sat down and prayed to God and were served the drinks that would forge our Constitution with liberty and justice for all because there’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold and she’s buying the stairway to heaven and she might want a drink too but in all seriousness I haven’t been soured by my experiences outside of Alaska and I hope that the grace of God will let me do it again in the near future which could be the past if you have a time machine but that’s got nothing to do with polar bears or bridges that I said no thanks to or drilling for oil to keep foreign oil from crippling our nation’s ability to go to bars and pay for drinks like Bud Light and Michelob which keep the gears of trade moving in a good direction like in your mouth where the words I speak come out of so I’m going to have brandy alexander.”

The bartender had wandered away halfway through Sarah Palin’s run-on sentence. Trent Lott just sits there holding his hand over his face.

“You know, I liked hangin’ with John McCain and he was my schneegro and everything,” Trent Lott says, “but I am so fucking glad you guys lost.” And then he gets up and leaves.

Not everyone gets into the Trent Lott Posse.





  1. pass me the appletini

  2. I wasn’t going to read the whole thing, you know. I’m sorry I doubted you. Fuck Palin.

  3. Lott’s probably going to be spending time in jail this Christmas…not for anything he’s done. His brother-in-law just went to the federal pen for attempting to bribe a judge. Morons! Tanqueray and tonic sounds about right too. He still thinks his hair looks like it did when he was a student at Ole Miss. Nimrod!

  4. The sad thing is that I could soooo see her saying that.

    And kudos to Trent for not letting her into his posse.

  5. Now that there is some fine writing and such as. You Betcha!

  6. I think its important what she said though, only real americans drink coke… pepsi is for terrorists doncha know!

  7. Has anyone ever considered imposing a word-tax on Palin? Then at least we could fund some worthy projects when she rambles on.

  8. Now there’s a hunk of moose meat you can sink your teeth into, chew and chew and chew and never quite know if you’re going to be able to digest it. Well done!

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