Better Know a Renal Player: The Fighting Blitzens

December 5, 2008

In America our holidays are under siege so our military has created a unit charged with protecting our precious holidays. They are the 7th Holiday Infantry Division, the Fighting Blitzens.

Chinese New Year had threatened our American New Year. Luckily the issue was resolved without shooting a whole bunch of people in our Chinese-Finnish neighborhood.

Single people are a threat to Valentine’s Day, and will be dealt with severely. Also fans of the Vagina Monologues are not looked on as friends of Valentine’s Day either.

The sober are a threat to St. Patrick’s Day, but just barely more so than the British.

Vegans are the enemies of Easter because they won’t eat marshmallow Peeps and don’t have a great enthusiasm about eggs. Also there was that year the Jews were being rounded up for threatening Easter, but that might have been because they tend to vote Democratic.

Orphans, contraception, and motherless sitcom families are the enemies of Mothers’ Day.

Dementia and Alzheimer’s patients threaten Memorial Day with their lack of memory.

Who is the enemy of Fathers’ Day? Single unmarried men like me.

If you’re unemployed, you’re a threat to Labor Day.

One year the Fighting Blitzens weren’t there to defend Thanksgiving, and we didn’t have it. It was then that we realized that Thanksgiving’s biggest threat was Christmas.

But when it came time to defend Christmas in Iraq, we outsourced that job to Blackwater.

Holidays are serious business because they are symbols of what America stands for: freedom and frivolity.





  1. Vaginsa are the enemy of Easter? oh wait, I think my dyslexia is showing….

  2. of course I meant to write “vaginas” but since I’ve also admitted to dyslexia you probably didn’t notice

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