Vampires don’t sparkle… unless they’re really into sequins

December 8, 2008

There’s that whole Twilight craze going on, and people are getting vampire fever again. And as such I go visit someone we haven’t heard from in a long time here on Renal Failure, our local vampire Count Joey.

I find the Count playing some midnight bocce down at the lighted courts with other Italians who don’t care if it’s cold out; there’s bocce to be played. Anyway, I ask him what he thinks.

“Why does the lead vampire in this Twilight movie look like Morrissey?” says Count Joey.

“What, Morrissey can’t be a vampire?” I say.

“If Morrissey were a vampire, he’d be a lot happier,” says Count Joey. “Only Anne Rice vampires are that depressing.”

“I think Morrissey would make a good vampire,” I say. “Women find him supernaturally charming.”

“Vampires are not depressing,” says Count Joey. “We’re not chipper and bright either. We are smooth, we are arrogant, and we’ve got enough charisma to choke out every James Bond actor from Connery to Craig.”

“Take that, George Lazenby!” I say.

“And we also do not go to high school when we are 100 years old like in this Twilight crap,” says Count Joey. “You want a good cover for why your young-looking vampire kin is not attending the local high school? Go with homeschooling. It’s much easier than explaining why his face keeps showing up in the yearbook every twenty years.”

“Maybe he really wants to get calculus right,” I say.

“He’s immortal!” says Count Joey. “He’s got all the time in the world to get calculus.”

“Then maybe he’s one of those people who think their high school years were the best years of his life and he’s content to live out those years in perpetuity,” I say. “It’s like Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen on a loop.”

“Vampires with low standards…” Count Joey says, shaking his head. “What horror hath Stephanie Meyer wrought on my people?”

Couldn’t be worse than what Joss Whedon did to vampires. I hope that Tru Blood show presents vampires in a more favorable light.





  1. I hate Twilight. It maketh me mad.

    Just said maketh, and I have no idea why.

  2. I’m not going to have to do math when I become immortal am I, because that would be really annoying.

  3. hey! you can’t diss the Joss

  4. dont diss whendon apart from that ur so awesome

  5. twilight is retarded (no offence to retarded people)and why does those idiots go to high school everyday of their messed up lives. its creepy, what do the teachers think? it makes me sick to think people like this stupid sparkling crap. read a harry potter book or other books. real literature not this s**t. byebye

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