There is no Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans, is there?

December 9, 2008

So Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat comes home one day with a strung-out 17-year old meth-addicted girl following him.

“Look what followed me home,” Bernie says to his wife Marlie. “Can we keep her? We can put out a stained mattress in the attic and give her a coffee can to defecate in.”

“Ah Gad Dahmit Bernie,” Marlie says, standing on her porch with her coffee pot full of whiskey. “Ya kna we can’t affard a pet.”

“But she doesn’t eat much,” says Bernie. “She pretty much runs on meth and Red Bull. That stuff’s cheaper than real food. And if we whore her out she can practically pay for her own upkeep.”

“Dahmit, ya kna she’s just ganna steal the Blu-Ray player and all me U2 CD’s to sell fa’ fahkin’ meth,” says Marlie. “And you dahn’t kna what sart’a diseases and shite this twitchy bitch’s got.”

“That’s why we’ll take her to the vet first,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Not like she needs any shots. Look at these track marks. She’s obviously had more than her share.”

“Yah nat bringin’ the fahkin’ meth whore inta me house an’ that’s that,” says Marlie. “Na take her ta the local shelter.”

“They don’t have shelters for meth-addled teenage whores,” says Bernie.

“Then take ‘er out back and shoot ‘er befar she has a litter of tweakers and they go nicking the fahkin’ neighbarhood,” says Marlie. “Praperty values ’round ‘ere are already in tha gahdamn shitter.”

If there’s one thing Bernie likes better than having a human as a pet it’s shooting them in the head under the false assumptions of humane treatment.





  1. Marlie’s not very understanding is she?

    • Marlie’s usually drunk. She doesn’t understand much of anything most of the time.

  2. Seriously, Marlie, who’s going to pay for secondhand U2 cd’s?

  3. … certainly not the lazy haiku-avoiding Rassles :-)

  4. My dear nursemyra
    I will haiku your ass off
    don’t you forget it.

  5. oh snap I missed a poetry show down!

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