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Bureacracy… Tedium… These are the Path to the Dark Side

December 10, 2008

Strange fact: before dating Mikka Samurai Cathy hadn’t watched the original Star Wars trilogy since she was a child. Not so strange fact: Mikka has watched the original trilogy at least twice a year since he was 10, despite declaring that George Lucas had killed the franchise with the prequel trilogy and the special editions.

So now Samurai Cathy gets to view the original Star Wars movies on a regular basis, and bring her own unique perspective to these movies.

“Darth Vader really starts to hate his job as the movies go on,” Samurai Cathy says.

“Well, you try getting jazzed up for trying to force your son to follow your path,” says Mikka.

“I think it’s because in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi he gets promoted to less hands-on roles in crushing the Rebellion,” says Samurai Cathy. “In the first movie, Vader is tasked to retrieve the stolen Death Star plans. That involves personally strangling rebels, torturing Princess Leia, and blowing up X-Wings in his own special fighter. And if you listen carefully to his voice, he’s got passion and fire in everything he says.”

“Commander, tear this ship apart until you’ve found those plans, and bring me the passengers, I want them alive!” Mikka says in his best Darth Vader voice. “Yeah, that’s the scary Vader I like.”

“And when he’s fighting Obi-Wan, he’s so into the fight that he’s visibly disappointed when Obi-Wan does his little disappearing trick,” says Samurai Cathy.

“Considering Obi-Wan had cut off three of Vader’s limbs and left him a charred smoking mess at the end of Episode III, I can see why Obi-Wan vanishing on him would leave him unsatisfied.”

“But when Empire Strikes Back begins, Vader’s commanding that Super Star Destroyer and he’s tasked with finding Luke Skywalker,” says Samurai Cathy. “He doesn’t have the same level of enthusiasm for this job. In fact, he hates it so much he takes it out on subordinates like Admiral Ozzel and Captain Needa.”

“So he’s not just choking out high ranking officers just because they have failed him, he’s choking them out just to get through the day,” says Mikka.

“He doesn’t even have any joy when he’s torturing Han Solo at Cloud City,” says Samurai Cathy. “And he’s just going through the motions when he’s dicking around with Lando Calrissian.”

“So he’s just killing time until Luke Skywalker shows up to fight him,” says Mikka.

“And that’s the only time in the whole movie he shows any of the old spirit of the first movie,” says Samurai Cathy. “Especially once they get on that walkway and Vader starts going buckwild on Luke. That creepy breathing gets more rapid and he starts swinging that lightsaber like he’s done fucking around.”

“And he goes right back into that sullen mood again after Luke refuses to join him,” says Mikka, getting what Samurai Cathy is getting at.

“And when Return of the Jedi starts, Vader is once again in a managerial role he has no desire to be in,” says Samurai Cathy. “He’s getting the second Death Star construction crew back on schedule so that it’s ready for his boss The Emperor. And once the Emperor shows up, Vader is reduced to just doing whatever he says.”

“Yeah, he is a little bitch when The Emperor is around,” says Mikka.

“He doesn’t even seem up for his second lightsaber duel with Luke,” says Samurai Cathy. “His heart’s not into the fight until Luke goes nuts on him, but even then it’s only a matter of time until he trips over his own dumb feet and gets his hand cut off, which I must add would never happen to me. After that, the only thing left is to take some lightning bolts to the skull while killing the Emperor, which is sort of his way of committing seppuku after being bested in battle but not slain.”

“So you’re saying Lord Vader was happier when he was in the thick of things rather than having to hang back and have others do shit for him,” Mikka says.

“In Empire, Vader tells Admira Piett that he wants that ship,” says Samurai Cathy. “In A New Hope, Vader went out and got that fucking ship himself, and that’s the samurai way of doing things.”

“You’re saying Darth Vader was a samurai,” Mikka says.

“Look at his mask and armor” says Samurai Cathy. “Look at how he fights. He’s obviously modeled after the samurai warriors of old.”

“Let’s make love right now,” Mikka says, turned on by his girfriend’s Star Wars aptitude.

And this is why we think Mikka and Samurai Cathy’s relationship is going to last.

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One comment

  1. Love Story



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