I now pronounce you something completely different

December 11, 2008

“I think Mikka and Samurai Cathy will get married,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Are you saying that because they’re the only couple we know?” I say. “Discounting Bernie and Marlie because they’re already married?”

“Well, yeah, but they do make a better than average couple,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I’m not saying they’re going to get married this year or even next year, but I could see it happening.”

“They can’t get married until Mikka is a good enough swordsman who can avenge Samurai Cathy if she is slain in battle,” I say. “That’s going to take a while.”

“Then that gives them time to figure out the whole last name issue,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Would Samurai Cathy take Mikka’s last name in marriage? Or would she do that whole hyphenated name thing?”

“Does Samurai Cathy even have a last name?” I say. “That would make hyphenating difficult if she didn’t.”

“I’m sure she has one,” says Tina the Lesbian. “What’s Mikka last name?”

“I’m not sure, but it’s very Finnish,” I say.

“You’ve been friends with him for how long and you don’t know his last name?” Tina the Lesbian says to me.

“It just never came up,” I say. “But I’ve got a better idea for Mikka and Samurai Cathy: just make up a new last name.”

“So instead of anyone taking a last name, they just come up with an original one?” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s going to screw up a lot of family trees.”

“Is a clear family lineage that big of a deal these days?” I ask.

“Well, it does make it easier to find out if the person you want to have sex with is a relative or not,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“That’s why there’s blood tests,” I say. “I think my plan of a new original name for married couples is a good idea. It sure answers the question about who takes who’s name in gay marriage.”

“Yeah, I haven’t gotten my Homosexual Agenda Newsletter decreeing how that gets handled,” says Tina the Lesbian. “The gay elite dropped the ball on that one.”

“And it’s a symbol of the married couple’s new life together,” I say. “They are no longer John Smith and Jill Roberts. Now they are John and Jill Submarine!”

“The problem with that is that people are just going to come up with dumb-ass stupid names,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but what about the children? I mean, dumb-ass stupid names are bad enough when they’re your first name, but at least you can balance it out with a normal last name. Now a kid’s just going to have a full-out crazy name.”

“You’re onto something,” I say. “I mean, most people aren’t that creative when it comes to naming their kids in the first place. How can we trust them to name themselves? Everyone’s probably just going to take the last name of their favorite actor or TV show or childhood memory.”

“I must admit, if my life partner asked me to be Mrs. Tetris, I’d strongly consider it,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“You think I could find a girl who’d be Mrs. Megatron?” I say.

“If you do, never let her go,” says Tina the Lesbian.





  1. lol! this is funny. can i get a tina the lesbian action figure?

  2. Can you make one and take a picture of it for us?

  3. there are action figures!!!!?????

    I want anonymous doug

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