Finally, something I can blame Reene Zellweger for

December 22, 2008

So I read a story about how romantic comedy movies are screwing up people’s lives because they create “unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.” It also mentioned that fans of these movies are more likely to believe in “predestined love” and that their partner should know what they want without saying anything.

“I think it’s funny that the control group in this study was watching a David Lynch drama while the others watched Serendipity,” I say.

“Did they say which David Lynch movie they were watching?” says Anonymous Doug.

“No, they didn’t,” I say. “Maybe it was Lost Highway or Twin Peaks or Eraserhead.”

“If it was Blue Velvet, that might be responsible for more damage than a romantic comedy,” says Anonymous Doug.

“It’s certainly responsible for the resurgent hipster popularity of Pabst Blue Ribbon, that’s for sure,” I say.

“And my love of nitrous oxide and violent sex,” says Anonymous Doug.

“They could have been watching Dune,” I say. “But that might cause unrealistic expectations from women to have their men look like Sting in tiny blue underwear.”

“I guess this is the flipside of the equation where porno creates unrealistic expectations of how women should look and what sex should be like,” says Anonymous Doug. “I found that out the hard way back when I was a young man delivering pizzas.”

“True, but then again I don’t want reasonable porn,” I say. “I don’t want to watch some porno and at the end of it say ‘Well that was a very accurate and plausible portrayal of the act of coitus, and the participants were understandably attired and proportioned with respect to everyday life.’ I’m not paying for that.”

So Anonymous Doug and I decided to write to the movie industry and ask them to reclassify romantic comedies and porno as Fantasy, just like we do with stuff involving elves and sorcery. Because unicorns, predestined love, and all-hole gang-bangs have more in common than you think.





  1. “And my love of nitrous oxide and violent sex”
    … not to mention inflateable girlfriends…

    “Resevoir Dogs” is the romantic comedy i’ll ever need….

  2. [i]Because unicorns, predestined love, and all-hole gang-bangs have more in common than you think.[/i]

    I’ll never think of unicorns in the same way again.

  3. The first half hour of Lost Highway is the most terrifying thing ever in a movie. Ever. Because of the creepy smiley guy.

    And speaking of all-hole gangbangs, my old babysitter is the star of “Airtight,” which I found out during our porn n’ forty nights in college. It was…disturbing.

    For reals.

  4. Do you reckon its a problem if my idea of predestined love is an all hole gang bang…

  5. maybe the control group was watching the Elephant Man

  6. predestined love = predestined divorce

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