All politics are local… except for local politics, they’re nationalDecember 23, 2008
So last month we told you that our town’s vacant mayor position was filled by Oatmeal (D), who is a bowl of oatmeal much like how the head of our City Council Suitcase of Scorpions (R) is an actual suitcase full of scorpions.
But what we didn’t mention is that the open seat in our 5th District, Chin-Fin Town, was finally decided in an election so close they spent the last month recounting the votes. But now the town can officially declare the winner between local businessman Jiang Zhu Chang (R) and Jarrko Lukkenen (D), who has been a coma since a drunk driving crash the night of his senior prom in 1995. One guess who won…
“So why did the Democrats run a coma patient for public office?” I ask my local congressman Matt Rotary-Phone (D).
“Drunk bet,” says the congressman. “We figured that this was going to be such a big year for Democratic elections, and that everyone was going to ride in on Barack Obama’s coattails, that we could have run anyone for that City Council seat and they would have won.”
“Was there a point-spread that Coma-Boy had to overcome?” I say. “Like did he have to win by 2 points?”
“5 points,” says Matt Rotary-Phone. “And he would have covered that too but Jiang Zhu Chang wasn’t just a businessman, he was also a corrupt businessman and a convicted felon. That got a lot of votes to go his way.”
“Because Americans don’t really care if our politicians are corrupt, we just want to get something out of it,” I say. “Yes, I know the game.”
“The best part about having Jarrko the Coma Patient as a Councilman is that he’s almost assured to be reelected in four years,” says Matt Rotary-Phone. “He’s in a coma. He can’t vote for anything in Council. That makes it impossible for anyone to run ads against his voting record.”
“And he won’t be banging any interns either,” I say. “Hey, I think I like this idea of running coma patients for public office.”
Maybe I’d like the idea of Caroline Kennedy as the Senator of New York if she were in a coma.