Tag Larkin is all about Kwanzaa

December 26, 2008

Tag Larkin is all about Kwanzaa.

(So is Trent Lott, but this isn’t about him)

Tag Larkin has grown bored with holidays such as Christmas and Hanukkah. Last year Tag Larkin tried Festivus at a co-worker’s family’s house, but found it lacking. Especially the part where Festivus can only end when the head of the household has been pinned. Not only did Tag Larkin do that in record time (thanks to a candlestick holder upside the head of the household’s head) but he then proceeded to pin the rest of the family, snapping the hips of his friend’s grandparents. So now Tag Larkin must find a new made-up holiday to celebrate, and that means this year…

Tag Larkin is all about Kwanzaa.

Sure, Tag Larkin has no roots in Africa or the black community. But that just makes Tag Larkin strive to celebrate Kwanzaa harder than anyone. Just like two years ago when the LPGA told Tag Larkin he couldn’t join because wasn’t a woman. That didn’t dissuade Tag Larkin at all. He showed up at one of their tournaments wearing a prom dress and declared himself more of a lady than everyone else. Then he shot 54 over par because Tag Larkin doesn’t know how to play golf. But the important thing here is that just like how Tag Larkin was all about the LPGA…

Tag Larkin is all about Kwanzaa.

Tag Larkin looked up the seven principles of Kwanzaa, and is prepared to rock them like The Scorpions.

Unity? Tag Larkin unites people into understanding how awesome Tag Larkin is.

Self-Determination? Tag Larkin has so much self-determination that it sucks the self-determination out of people around him.

Collective Work and Responsibility? Tag Larkin takes responsibility for all that he does, and some things he doesn’t do. And it once took the collective work of two police departments, three fire engine houses, and two girl scout troops to subdue Tag Larkin after an unfortunate billing mistake at a local restaurant.

Cooperative Economics? Tag Larkin knows how to make economics cooperate with him. Tag Larkin not only consolidated his debt, he made it disappear completely. With a meat cleaver. Also the bank wanted foreclose on Tag Larkin’s house, but after a few minutes with Tag Larkin in a room without windows, the bank ended up giving Tag Larkin a second house. Now that’s cooperation.

Purpose? Tag Larkin has a purpose. But he doesn’t have to tell you what it is. And if you keep asking him about it, Tag Larkin will have a new purpose: removing every tooth out of your head with the claw end of a hammer.

Creativity? Tag Larkin has creativity. One time Tag Larkin built a DVD player out of a file cabinet, a champagne glass, and a chunk of uranium. Sure it didn’t play DVD’s and sure it gave people cancer, but it gave people cancer in a creative way.

Faith? Tag Larkin knows faith. Everyone believes in Tag Larkin. You doubt Tag Larkin? Tag Larkin will come to your house and fix your crisis of faith.

Yeah, Tag Larkin is all about Kwanzaa. And next year Tag Larkin might be looking to kick Ramadan’s ass.



One comment

  1. well if I get cancer I want it in a creative way… bring on Tag Larkin…

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