Civil Wars Are Divorces With a Lot of Guns

January 13, 2009

So there’s a Russian professor who predicts that the United States will split up into five different territories in 2010. We’re having a hard time buying into this concept.

“Why do the North Atlantic states have to take in Tennessee and the Carolinas?” I say “Why wouldn’t they go with the other Southern States just like they did in the first American Civil War?”

“Thor knows we don’t want ’em,” says Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat. “Plus I don’t think they’d want to join up with us Yankee sons of bitches.”

“And Idaho is not joining California, Oregon, and Washington,” I say. “Idaho is looking out for Idaho. They’ll pull a reverse Escape from New York and wall themselves off from everyone and become a post-apocalyptic dystopia without the apocalypse.”

“You are the Duke of Couer d’Alene, you are A-Number One!” says Bernie.

“And Canada’s not going to take in states like the Dakotas and Montana and Kansas,” I say. “They already have Alberta and they don’t even like them very much. ”

“But at least they’re not Quebec,” says Bernie.

“And this professor also says that Alaska will be taken over by the Russians, and Hawaii will fall to either the Chinese or the Japanese,” I say.

“You think this guy came up with this theory just by playing the board game Risk?” says Bernie.

“Hey, don’t knock board games,” I say. “They’re how I became an expert at naval warfare.”

“While your skill at Battleship is admirable, I can see why people wouldn’t be eager to heed your wisdom regarding naval maneuvers,” says Bernie.

“But this professor also worked during the Soviet Union days,” I say. “So he is well acquainted with Tetris. If he knows how to put pieces together, he must also know how they fall apart.”

“So the theory of the dissolution of the United States is based on the map of Risk and the reverse engineering of Tetris?” says Bernie.

“It’s better than my theory of the 9/11 attacks being a large scale game of Jenga played by the Illuminati,” I say.

We will require more vodka and detergent shooters to research further.




  1. I was hoping that Texas would exercise its prerogative, under their Articles of Admission into the Union, and split into five separate states.

    Just call it a trial separation before the rest of have to choose between mommy or daddy.

  2. Bernies a viking… I really shouldn’t be surprised at that should I.

  3. I like your 9/11 theory

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