It’s Like “Analyze This,” Except With Shurikens

January 14, 2009

“Tina, do you know a psychiatrist I can threaten?” Ninja Vicki asks her friend Tina the Lesbian as they have lunch together at the mall food court.

“Um… why do you need a psychiatrist to threaten?” asks Tina the Lesbian. “And why would think I would know a psychiatrist?”

“I figured lesbians would be more likely to know a mental health professional than a straight woman,” says Ninja Vicki. “What with all the social persecution, awful media portrayals, and instances family strife that lesbians tend to endure in their daily lives.”

“Sorry, I self-medicate through vodka and crying fits,” says Tina the Lesbian. “So why do you need a shrink?”

“I was told that I have problems,” says Ninja Vicki, “and I was arguably tricked into resolving to get help.”

“Of course you have problems, you’re a ninja,” says Tina the Lesbian. “You don’t use doors, everything you own you’ve stolen, and you carry a sword with you at all times. That’s not a portrait of good mental health.”

“Hey, Samurai Cathy carries a sword and no one questions her mental health,” says Ninja Vicki.

“Because she doesn’t rob people while they’re out Christmas shopping,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Plus you’re not asking me to recommend a psychiatrist. You’re asking me to recommend a psychiatrist to threaten. What kind of treatment do you think you’re going to get from a doctor when you’ve got a sword against his throat?”

“Ninjas don’t purchase things, we steal them,” says Ninja Vicki. “Besides, I wouldn’t hold my sword on him. I’d just let him know that I could hit him with a throwing star at any time, or I could visit him in the night while he sleeps.”

“You cannot develop the sort of doctor/patient relationship necessary to resolve your issues if you’re threatening to slit your doctor’s throat,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“So I’ve got issues on top of my issues?” says Ninja Vicki, “and those issues are keeping me from getting help with my other issues?”

“Don’t forget that I have no psychiatrist to refer to you to either,” says Tina the Lesbian.

And so Ninja Vicki’s 2009 quest for mental well-being struggles along…

vicki smallnote



  1. Poor Ninja Vicki. She’s got to realize that first and foremost, she is not just a ninja. She is a woman. With feelings. Or whatever.

  2. Can’t she just use web M.D

  3. aw c’mon renal… help her out….

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