Wiccans don’t have rockets

January 15, 2009

With more strife in Gaza between Palestinians and Israelis, I thought it would be a good time to check in with Avonia the Wiccan Pimp for the pagan viewpoint on this matter.

“So do you think Wiccans will ever wage a holy war?” I ask.

“Against who?” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“I don’t know, pick someone,” I say. “Say Scientology.”

“Why would Wiccans be at war with Scientology?” says Avonia.

“I don’t know… say Tom Cruise comes into ownership by way of eminent domain of a formerly public forest that a coven of Wiccans are using for their ceremonies, and he wants to clear all that land for a decadent theme park celebrating everything L. Ron Hubbard.”

“That would put us in conflict with Tom Cruise more so than the Church of Scientology,” says Avonia.

“You mess with one Scientologist, you mess with them all,” I say. “You get in Tom Cruise’s face, he’ll give John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, and Chaka Khan a call to back him up.”

“Sorry to break this to you but Wiccans don’t wage holy war,” says Avonia. “We will protest, we will write letters, but we’re not blowing anything up.”

“You should though,” I say. “Because no one takes a religion seriously unless they get nasty. Christians have the Salem Witch Trials and abortion doctor snipers. Muslims have suicide bombers and hijackers. Jews have krav maga and cluster bombs. Not sure what Hindus have done, but it has to be something vicious for them to be the third largest religion in the world.”

“I don’t think you could get enough Wiccans together in one place to form a decent hit squad or terror cell,” says Avonia. “For the love of the goddess, we can’t even fully agree on who does what during our sabbats. There’s still some bad blood in my coven over who got to lead the invocation of Hecate last Samhain. ”

“You must learn to turn your frustrations outwards toward outsiders rather than inward toward your own coven mates,” I say. “That’s how Christians stopped being lion bait and started Crusading.”

“How do we do that?” says Avonia.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Turn some people into toads. Shoot fireballs. Summon demons. Put that magic to work.”

“Isn’t it enough that I have a stable of hookers under my employ that I keep in line with threats of bodily harm?” says Avonia.

“It’s a start,” I say. “It’s a start.”

avonia smallnote




  1. More pentagrams, less rockets. Viva, wiccan-ness-age, viva!

  2. ooh I sense trouble brewing. by the way, where’s Anonymous Doug?

  3. Isaac Bonewits referred to herding cats. I think that says it.

    Vaguely Discordian, myself.

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