I can’t get off if it’s not Times New Roman

January 16, 2009

“Do you know there are women who don’t know what an obscene phone call is?” says Anonymous Doug.

“And you found this out personally, right?” I say.

“One of the perks of my anonymous powers,” says Anonymous Doug. “No one knows it’s me on the other end, and as soon as they hang up they forget I called. But the last four girls I’ve done obscene calls on have had no idea what I was doing. Does no one talk dirty on the phone anymore?”

“Girls might be into dirty texting these days,” I say.

“I can’t get off reading text,” says Anonymous Doug. “And there is no font that properly conveys the husky and manly and creepy tone of my sex voice. Arial? Courier New? Verdana? Worthless.”

“Not even if you use italics?” I say.

“Bold, underline… nothing works,” says Anonymous Doug. “Text just doesn’t do it for me. CraigsList, Match.com, some underage girl’s MySpace page…”

“So you need audible stimulation,” I say.

“Exactly,” says Anonymous Doug. “I need her saying stuff, breathing hard, moaning with ball-gag in her mouth… all that good stuff. What I don’t need is an email or a Twitter message.”

“There’s always video chat,” I say.

“If I want to look at the girl I’m whacking off to, I’ll stand outside her window,” says Anonymous Doug.

Anonymous Doug is old school when it comes to perversity.





  1. I’ve always been slightly partial to Baskerville, myself.

  2. it hard textng w only ur lef hand

  3. ‘Anonymous Doug is old school when it comes to perversity.’

    Well the old ways are the best.

  4. seems like it was only yesterday I was asking “where’s anonymous doug?”

    wait a minute – it was only yesterday. Talk about Ask and Ye Shall Fucking Receive…..

  5. […] Anonymous Doug @ Renal Failure is an old school pervert in I can’t get off it’s not Times New Roman. […]

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